Dear Santa
Great to see children thinking about what will make other people happy at Christmas. I know we’ll be flat-out with preparing the sleigh from Christmas Eve, so any final seasonal thoughts for Parents?
PercyPostElf
Dear Parents
Percy Postelf, Mrs Claus and I all agree that Mark’s dad will appreciate a present that’s been carefully chosen. We started talking about the madness of Christmas shopping.
Remember the lyric ‘The fox went out on a windy night’.
As parents, you know that a fox in the hen coop can go on an unsatiated killing spree.
I sometimes think children can be a little like that when there’s an overabundance – ripping through everything without taking time to savour anything.
Maybe this festive season feels like a crisis time for some.
Here are two key thoughts that might be helpful:
1) Somewhere I read that the Japanese word for ‘crisis’ also means ‘opportunity’.
What would happen if we saw our current situation as an opportunity?
What if we all asked ourselves:
‘What’s the opportunity for our family in the current crisis we’re experiencing?’
2) ‘Less is more’ and ‘slow’ have become global movements. Reflect on how this might be true for your family this Christmas.
Let’s choose “less presents and more presence”.
“Happiness does not come from having more, it comes from loving what you have.”
If you’ve enjoyed these posts you’ll want Val Mullally’s parenting book Behave – What To Do When Your Child Won’t
Enjoying other people’s pleasure at receiving gifts, is one way our children may benefit when there’s less.
Christmas is the time for recognising what really matters in life.
Despite challenging circumstances, may this be a wonder-full and joy-full Christ-mas for each and every family.
Love and God bless to everyone. 
Santa, Mrs Claus and PercyPostElf
P.S. To see my other Christmas letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 Christmas Gifts Without a Huge Expense
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 Making Magical Moments at Christmass
Day 11 Can’t Forgive at Christmas
Dear Santa
Here’s another letter from Daniel. So glad his parents are sorting things out. (Maybe they read your letter about ‘When Grown Ups Fight’!)
It makes sense that it’s hard to forgive, even at Christmas, when someone has deeply hurt you. Many people are stuck in a place of anger/unforgiveness regarding an ex, their own parent, someone else, perhaps they are struggling to forgive another group of people who have injured those we love. And sometimes it’s ourselves that we find hard to forgive.
What would you like to say to parents who find it hard to forgive?
PercyPostElf
Dear PercyPostElf
It makes sense that when people hurt us, it’s hard to forgive.
What we often overlook is the cost of unforgiveness – to our physical and emotional health but we also often forget the huge price that unforgiveness can cost our children too.
Let me share with you an African tale on how to catch a monkey.
Find a tree with a very small hole in the trunk. Take a handful of peanuts and while the monkey is watching you, push the peanuts into the hole in the tree. Now move away and wait. The monkey will soon come for the peanuts. But when he puts his hand into the hole and seizes the peanuts, his fist is now too big to get out the hole. He doesn’t want to let go the peanuts – so he’s stuck. Now you can catch your monkey!
That’s what happens to us when we hold onto unforgiveness. It’s hard to forgive because we think we’re punishing the person who hurt us but actually, we are keeping ourselves stuck in one place. Sometimes we avoid forgiveness because we don’t want reconciliation with a particular person or situation. But forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. We can choose to forgive, even if reconciliation isn’t desirable or advisable.
Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the ‘peanuts’ of anger and bitterness. These uncomfortable feelings are emotional termites that eat away our family’s happiness if we don’t deal with them.
‘Peace on Earth’ doesn’t just happen. Peace happens one relationship at a time. Peace happens when people choose to be peace-makers. And sometimes part of peace-making is forgiving.
Did you know that our way of living is hugely influenced by the thoughts of the past four generations and that the thoughts we think will affect the next four generations? This Christmas let’s consciously choose the emotional legacy we leave to our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great, great-grandchildren.
It can be helpful to take time to reflect:
‘Is there a situation where I am finding it hard to forgive?’
‘On a scale of 0-10 what example of forgiveness am I modelling to my children?’ (0 equals holding tightly to bitter, angry and unforgiving thoughts and 10 being free of those).
This Christmas I ask parents to get the help needed to let go of unforgiveness – for their children’s sake as well as their own.
The word ‘forgiving’ is actually two words. What do I choose to give: to myself / my loved ones / that other person?
Christmas is a time a time for giving and for for-giving.
Reconciliation is not always advisable but we can choose to let go of our bitterness or anger and move forward.
Now it’s over to you – how will you choose to be a peace-maker this festive season?
Love
Santa
P.S. Check in tomorrow for my final letter this year. After that, Rudolph and I will busy with present deliveries.
P.P.S. Here are my other letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
Dear Santa
How nice to get a thank you letter. I really appreciate appreciation!
Love
Percy PostElf
Dear Percy
Did you ever see a picture of a sad Santa? When we focus on gratitude our brains release serotonin, the ‘feel good’ chemical. The more we focus on what we appreciate the happier we’ll be. And happiness is contagious. So let’s think about how parents can make magical moments at Christmas.
Even in relationships that are ‘cranky’ right now – try thinking every day of at least four things you appreciate about that person. You get what you focus on!
The great thing about limited finance is that families often start to create what really matters. Instead of the buy-buy-buy mentality, they become more aware of what Christmas is really about – celebrating the mystery of Love.
And it doesn’t need to cost money to enjoy what really counts. In fact, happiness experts say that the happiness from new possessions only lasts a few days or weeks at the most. It’s meaningful relationship that creates the connection – that creates the happiness – that lasts.
Here are some of my favourite ideas for families to make magical moments this festive season:
✓ Making Christmas decorations together.
✓ A Christmas walk (maybe a day walk, scrunching through the snow, or going out in the dark to admire the Christmas lights) if, like me, you’re living in a cool part of the world.
✓ One of my favourite Christmas activities in our village is the community Carol singing in the Park on Christmas Eve.
What are the no-cost activities that make Christmas special for your family?
Cocoa by candlelight with carols playing? A game of Pictionary?
Choose to make magical moments this Christmas. I’d love Parents to write in and share what happy memories they are creating.
Love
Santa
P.S. Tomorrow I’m going to follow up re Daniel’s Mum and Dad fighting.
P.P.S. Here’s my other letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations?
Day 2 Christmas Gifts Without a Huge Expense
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Creating Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money At Christmas
Day 7 How to Stop Children Expecting Everything
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 11 Can’t Forgive at Christmas
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
Dear Santa
There are many children who could have written this. Some of their parents are together – and fighting. Some are divorced parents, or separated – and fighting. What could you say this Christmas that might be helpful for families that don’t get along together?
PercyPostElf
Dear PercyPostElf
Yes, grown-ups fighting is one of the sad things that sometimes happens at Christmas. Sometimes it’s a heartbreak story, and other times it’s those little irritations when families don’t get along together. Here are some helpful tips when there’s the risk of adult conflict over the festive season. But first and foremost I encourage parents to ask themselves: ‘Is home a SAFE PLACE for my child?’
1. Make home a safe place
You’d do anything to protect your children – right? But where do your children turn for safety if you turn into the raging tiger? You’re not thinking about it at the time – but when you start snarling and roaring at your ex/partner/spouse you become someone who is unsafe to be around. No matter how angry you’re feeling, remember that your reaction can be upsetting for the children. It’s also never okay for your children to experience you being abused. If you or your children are in physical or psychological danger please get help immediately. Your children (and you!) deserve a home that is a safe place.
2. When temperatures rise, take a breather to cool down
When something happens that makes us feel unsafe, the survival instinct is triggered. The brain puts all its energy into ‘fight, flight or freeze’, so the thinking part of the brain temporarily ‘shuts down’. This means that when you’re in ‘fight’ mode you’re not thinking/reasoning. You may be trying to get the other person to ‘see reason’ – but neither of you is able to do this while you are upset. If you want to have a different outcome take a breather until you’ve all calmed down.
3. Your rising sense of anger is an indication you need change
But choose to listen to what your anger is telling you and figure out what’s helpful before your anger boils over into an uncontrolled rage. When someone’s pushing your buttons, take action to bring the change that’s needed whilst you’re still calm enough to think. Here are a few thoughts:
* Recognise: ‘Their behaviour is about them, my response is about me.’
* Sometimes what can be helpful is to use lighthearted humour – when you respond in a way that they don’t expect, it usually changes the whole game plan, providing you all laugh with each other (not at each other!)
* We can choose to deal with upsetting incidents without resorting to aggressive words or actions.
What else can help parents to stop the fighting?
For more insights on how to behave (children and parents!) in a way that’s going to create connection, I recommend popping Val Mullally’s Parenting book, ‘BEHAVE -What Do When Your Child Won’t’ into your own Christmas stocking.
* Remember that people who have already ‘flipped the lid’ or who have been drinking excessively have moved past reasoning. Don’t try to reason with an un-reasoning person. Just do what’s needed to calm the situation. Focus on keeping yourself and your children safe (emotionally as well as physically).
* Sometimes the only thing you can change is your own attitude. You don’t have to ‘bite the anger hook.’ At one point Val created a poster for herself with fish swimming past a baited hook and the words: ‘Swim on by.’
No-one ‘makes you angry’. It’s your choice.
Percy, sometimes families don’t get along, but if even one person chooses to do differently there can be a different outcome.
Of course every couple has a tiff sometimes, but what matters is not to let it get out of hand.
Before Parents end up on the slippery slope of anger, I wish they’d ask themselves:
‘Am I ensuring home is a safe emotional space for my child?’
May it be a peace-full Christmas.
Love Santa
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 11 Can’t Forgive
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
Dear Santa
Isn’t it lovely when families have happy times together. What do Grandparents know that can help make this a Happy Christmas?
PercyPostElf
Dear Percy
Most grandparents know that it’s not money that makes Christmas happy. Many grandparents didn’t have lots of money in their homes – but that didn’t mean they didn’t have happy Christmases, because having a happy Christmas ISN”T ABOUT GETTING – it’s about GIVING. Imagine parents looking back in future years, and saying,
‘The financial challenges we faced were a gift to our family.’
Hard to imagine when you’re worrying about making ends meet, but perhaps it’s the opportunity for children to learn that Christmas is for Giving.
Children all love hearing about Santa – but do they know the story of the original Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas? He wanted to share the love of Christmas so he took gifts to those most in need.
I notice families where teenagers go and help on a project like Habitat for Humanity. They came home changed about the whole ‘getting presents’ thing. They start seeing that helping others gives a lot more happiness than getting for yourself. I’ve got a good idea for governments. When people don’t have work, why not give them the chance to go do voluntary work in a country where help is needed? Doing something for someone else doesn’t just help the other person – it opens our eyes and our hearts. We often see that people with a lot less stuff are often much happier. People can learn a lot from the people who they think are poor.
It’s great to see parents involving children in taking a home-made gift to an elderly neighbour, clearing the snow off someone’s path or sharing Christmas lunch with someone who would have been alone. When children see eyes light up, they’ll get that warm inner feeling of knowing they made a difference to someone’s life.
Please encourage parents to write in and share how they have been involving children in charity projects. I love to hear go how Christmas has been a time for giving for families.
Love
Santa
P.S. Not all family times are happy times. Later this week I’ll talk about what to do when there’s family conflict.
P.P.S. Here are my other letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 11 Can’t Forgive
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
Dear Santa
I feel so sad when I read letters like this. It’s hard when parents are broke at Christmas. Can we help?
PercyPostElf
Dear PercyPostElf
Of course we will help. And I do hope there are some kind families who will also think about making a Happy Christmas for children whose mummies and daddies are worried that Santa might not get there.
But most of all, I love to see how some parents make a merry Christmas even if they don’t have a lot of money.
One year I was climbing down the chimney when I got such a surprise myself. There was the whole family sleeping in a tent in the middle of the sitting room. I asked my elves to speak to their cat to discover what was happening. It turned out that the parents didn’t have enough money to pay for the heating, so the father erected a tent in the sitting room and they all had a ‘camp-out’ snuggled in the tent for several nights.
You can think how bad that would be not to have heating at Christmas – but this dad turned it into a wonderful adventure for his children. Talk about a gift idea with a difference!
I love it when parents use their imaginations to turn a challenge into a celebration. Even if the challenge is empty pockets, home made gifts can show a child they are loved. The elves are busy with crochet puppets, scarves and hats. Children love making gifts for family members, so everybody has a present under the tree. 
I look forward to hearing from you tomorow, Percy. I’m enjoying the letters from parents, thank you. Please encourage them to write in and share their stories.
Love
Santa
P.S. You can find my other letters here.
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 11 Can’t Forgive
Dear Santa
Mary says she’s tired of shopping. I see many grown ups who look tired of shopping.
What coud I tell them that would be helpful?
PercyPostElf
Dear PercyPostElf
Santa’s busy checking the toy production, so he asked me if I’d write back to you.
It’s so easy to spend lots of money buying things that people don’t really need at Christmas time. I worry most when I see people buying things they can’t really afford on credit cards.
I think they forget that the children won’t really have a happy Christmas if their parents are worried about the debt they’ll have to pay off afterwards.
Sometimes people spend too much at the after-Christmas sales.
Here’s my three questions before I buy anything for myself:
‘Do I love it?’
‘Do I need it?’
‘Can I afford it?’ *
They’re helpful questions to think about when you’re buying for somebody else as well. The balance on the credit card may still be in the red six months from now if we make hasty decisions. Plan ahead what gifts you need to buy to afford impulsive purchases.
We’ll have a happier celebration if no-one’s feeling guilty about excess spending.
Love
Mrs Claus
* I learnt this from a wise lady called Martha Beck.
P.S. Here are my other letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen at Christmas
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 11 Can’t Forgive
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
Dear Santa
This letter is from a boy in Cork, can you answer his question please.
PercyPostElf
Dear PercyPostElf
Ha, ha. I remember that!
Please tell Michael that one year when his Mummy was a litle girl, the elves decided to have some fun. We made a special surprise present for her.
That little girl’s name was Val and we left just one fairly large parcel under the tree for her. Val was always a very curious little girl and as soon as she saw the present, she wanted to know what Santa had left her. Val’s Mummy said she had to wait till everyone was ready to open presents, but when her mother wasn’t looking Val sneaked a peep to see if there weren’t any more presents in the pile for her. No – there was just this one mysterious rectangular box.
At last it was time to unwrap the presents. She opened the parcel to discover a – red suitcase. That wasn’t what she wanted. She felt really disappointed but her mother smiled across the room at her and said ‘Open it!’
Val opened the suitcase and inside were lots of little gifts. There was even a pretty china piggy bank, that she specially loved. It’s funny how all these years later, now she’s a grown up woman, that surprise package is still the one she especially remembers.
Surprises don’t need to be big or expensive to be fun and special.
And another great thing about surprises is that we have fun planning them and it’s great to watch the surprise. If Parents are feeling despondent – try planning a surprise. You’ll give yourself a serotonin boost – the ‘feel good’ chemical! 
Percy, please ask parents to write to me and tell me what special surprises they remember.
I’d love to share their memories. And maybe thinking about surprises would give them a chance to think about how they could do something special this Christmas.
Love
Santa
P.S. Here are my other letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen at Christmas
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 11 Can’t Forgive
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
Dear Santa
Today a mother is asking how to deal with children’s emotions when she’s dealing with ‘wants’ versus ‘needs’. And even children are worried about disappointment – see Liam’s letter.
What can parents do when they are dealing with a child’s disappointment?
PercyPostElf
Dear PercyPostElf
Sometimes when children have a big ’want’ it can feel like a ‘need’.
Parents hate to see their children disappointed. They love their kids so much that they forget that disappointment is part of the fabric of life. Preventing children from ever feeling reasonable disappointment is like keeping a plant in a hot-house, it’ll never cope with being exposed to the storms of life.
Some parents will have disappointed children this Christmas. Here’s what I’ve learnt about ‘whole-brain’ parenting and disappointment. When a strong emotion is triggered, the brain goes on ‘red alert – survival mode’ and the reasoning part of the brain temporarily ‘shuts down’. Reason-able behaviour often disappears because we are not able to reason – the thinking part of the brain isn’t fully functional when we are emotionally flooded.
What doesn’t help when a child is emotionally flooded?
1. Don’t be-little.
( ‘Big boys don’t cry!’ ‘Oh grow up!’)
2. Don’t compare.
( ‘Your sister’s happy with what she’s got.’ ‘I didn’t get anything like you’ve got when I was little.’)
3. Don’t try to reason while the child’s emotionally overwhelmed.
(Your child can’t hear comments like ‘But we can’t afford it,’ whilst he is upset.)
4. Don’t ignore the child or his feelings.
(Upset feelings don’t just go away by themselves, even if they go underground. They need a space to be heard and validated).
5. Don’t redirect.
( ‘Oh, let’s play with your other toys.’) Parents sometimes think this is helpful, but it’s a subtle way of ignoring the child’s experience.
Tips for parents when a child’s disappointed:
TIP #1. Help your child to Name, Claim and Tame this emotion.
When you name the child’s experience, he can claim it (realise that’s his emotion!). When he can claim the emotion he can tame it. (He can learn to accept his disappointment without it overwhelming him.)
TIP #2. Listen to his disappointment, without trying to ‘fix’ it.
‘You’re disappointed that you didn’t get *** for Christmas. Tell me more.’
Give the space to share how it is for him, just accepting his emotion without trying to change anything. Remember his behaviour is about him – your response is about you. When you’re safe and connected – he can express disappointment.
.TIP #3. Validate how it is for him.
‘’And that makes sense because you would really have liked …’
Validation doesn’t mean that you agree with him – you’re just acknowledging his perspective. It also doesn’t mean we have to ‘make it better’. Sometimes tears might flow. Just stay connected. The tears we cry when we’re emotionally upset are chemically different to the tears we cry when we’re peeling an onion. So there’s wisdom in the expressions: ‘Have a good cry’ ‘Cry it all out.’ (And of course, the same goes for girls too).
‘Children whose feelings and experiences are validated may cry more or they may become angrier precisely because your validation gives them permission to express their deepest feelings. Once they have done, however, they often move on with no residue of bad feelings.‘ Aldort 2006
So if you are dealing with your child’s disappointment, be there for them. You don’t have to feel guilty, rush off to the toy store or wave a magic wand. Just connect.
For more thoughts see “3 Traps Parents Fall Into When a Child Is Disappointed”
For more insights about how to deal with children’s challenging behaviours this Christmas, see Val Mullally’s book: ‘BEHAVE – What To Do When Your Child Won’t.
I’m looking forward to other questions from parents.
Love
Santa
P.S. Here are my other letters:
Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?
Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’
Day 4 Christmas Surprises
Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases
Day 6 No Money This Christmas
Day 7 Christmas is for Giving
Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen at Christmas
Day 9 When Grown Ups Fight
Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude
Day 11 Can’t Forgive
Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters
