Childcare Concerns? How to LISTEN to your child

By: Val Mullally

Is your child anxious about school or childcare?

‘How do I know if my child is being treated okay?’ you may be wondering.

Parents can often feel confused about how to help when they are concerned about their child’s well-being at school. One key thing that you can do is listen so that your child feels heard.

Imagine that your child makes a comment that concerns you.

Getting to hear what’s really going on depends on how you listen. This especially matters if you are worried about your childcare being anxious or unhappy at school or if you have childcare concerns.

Unhelpful responses some parents make:

Child: ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

Parent: ‘Ah, you like school. All your friends are there.’

Parent: ‘Just two more sleeps and then we’ll have the weekend. Then we can have lots of time together.’

Parent: ‘Now be good. And then I’ll buy you a sweetie on the way home.’

These responses aren’t helpful because they ignore your child’s experience of life and they shut down the conversation.

What your child needs is a safe space to be heard.

How to respond more helpfully:

Child: ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

First PARK everything that is going on for you – all those thoughts chasing around in your head and all those emotions that jump up and grab you by the throat.

PARK your own concerns so that you can really be present to your child.

Like parking your car, you can come back and pick it up later. Right now PARK all that’s going on for you and choose to be present for your child.

To really listen, here’s some of what you might need to PARK.

1. PARK your anxiety.

It makes sense that a comment like, ‘I don’t want to go to school,’ can get alarm bells clanging in your head. But your anxiety will get in the way of listening in a way that will really connect.

How to PARK your anxiety:

– Focus on your breathing.

– Focus on being calm.

– Focus on being present to your child.

2. PARK your busy-ness.

If this is important, other things will need to wait. Your child is only going to open up when they sense your undivided attention.

3. PARK your own need to ‘fix’ things immediately.

A safe listening space is the best gift you can give your child right now. Afterwards there will be time to seek professional help, if needed. But you will never again have this first moment of what your child needs to share now. Choose to be fully present for your child now.

4. PARK your judgments.

Thoughts might jump into your head about what might have happened – judgments about the staff, about yourself or about other children.

You might have thoughts like:

‘That worker is a *!*&!’

‘I’ve failed my child.’

‘How could they …’

‘Oooh, this is all so terrible …’

These thoughts will wind you up. You need to be calm to hear your child’s story first.

You might be jumping to conclusions.

Whatever the thoughts are, you can choose to PARK these judgements and focus on being present to your child.

5. PARK any feelings of guilt or anger.

Yes, you may have many strong emotions coming up. But if you allow yourself to focus on your feelings of guilt or anger right now, you are putting the focus on yourself instead of on your child.

So now you’ve PARKed – what next?

When you choose to PARK your own stuff you can cross into your child’s world. Only when your child really senses you connecting will they share what’s bothering them.

Make sure you are calm.

Choose your tone of voice, your eye contact and your body language to connect.

Child: ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

Reflect your child’s words (without adding anything extra) :

Parent: ‘You don’t want to go to school?’

Child: ‘Cos my friends won’t play with me.’

Parent: ‘Your friends won’t play with you? Tell me more.’

Keep your own stuff PARKed. Keep focused on being connected with your child. Reflect what your child says and adding ‘tell me more.’

Hold the listening space.

Keep connected and wait for your child’s answer.

Don’t rush in with more words.

Just hold the listening space for your child. Then reflect what you hear, using your child’s words.

When your child senses the connection, he’s likely to share.

Keep holding this listening space.

You will get to the point when your child has told you all he needs to say.

Whatever your child needs, be there for them.

Reassure them that you will deal with it. Give a cuddle or go for walk. Trust your intuition to give what your child needs.

When you PARK your own thoughts, judgements and emotions you will find you are able to really listen to your child and to sense what ‘s needed, no matter how small or large the issue.

A few extra tips:

#1 Be careful to avoid talking about concerns about your child’s situation in front of your child. Children are listening even when you think they aren’t, and they are going to pick up your anxiety.

#2 Avoid trying to prompt the conversation with your child. If you push or pry or ask questions when your child is not ready to talk, your child will shut down down the conversation like a hedgehog rolls into a ball when it feels unsafe.

hedgehog — Your child will open up or close down depending how safe he feels.

#3 Avoid leading questions that can put thoughts in your child’s head that weren’t there before.

Questions like:

‘Did she smack you?’

‘Did she shout at you?’

are your thoughts. PARK them.

Hold a ‘clean’ listening space so your child can share his own story. When you are there to really listen, you may discover that your child’s upset is not big. The connection time will still be precious.

Or if it is a serious issue, at least your child experiences you as his loving and connected ally, who will take action on his behalf.

Please comment on your experiences of your child being unhappy at school or your childcare concerns (But please do not name staff or institutions in your comment).

Please seek professional help if you have any concerns.

Let’s not forget our appreciation for all the staff in childcare centres who are doing sterling work. Many of these are community based, not-for-profit centres. Most childcare workers follow this career path because they are passionate about young children. We all need to lobby for better pay, training opportunities and working conditions for the childcare workers who ARE taking good care of our children.

If you are looking to train or retrain your staff,

Val Mullally is an experienced teacher, principal and trainer in Early Education.

She is also a skilful Siolta facilitator.

She offers regular Parenting courses (also ONLINE) and is available to travel to offer training.

Recommended Reading:

You Are My World – Amy Hatkoff

Why Love Matters – Sue Gerhardt

The Whole Brain Child – Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes – Peter Levine and Magie Kline

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“Have I messed up my kid?!”

By: Tricia Martin

You’ve just had a melt-down! After Tantrum #7 and many attempts to figure out how to calm your toddler you lost it. A few seconds later you feel as though you have just watched a bad movie, starring you as the Monster parent! “I can’t believe I screamed at my child! How could I have reacted that way? What an awful parent I am!” And it probably doesn’t stop there. You continue to beat yourself up periodically throughout the day.

The Perfect Parent

You remember all of those report cards. If you’re like most people in our culture, throughout your life you received messages about how well you were doing, not just in school, but perhaps in sports, in attractiveness, and in how “nice” you were. You may have been taught to strive for perfection.

And so you learned to measure and judge yourself. Am I smart enough? Fast enough? Pretty enough? And am I a good enough parent? With self-judgment often comes self-criticism, which may consist of some fairly harsh, negative, mental thrashing (e.g., “What a bad parent I am! Why did I lose my temper over something so silly?”). Clearly such negative thoughts serve to tear down our own sense of competence.

The truth is:

There is no such thing as a “perfect parent” thank goodness! How would your child ever live up to the expectation to be like you if you were perfect! Talk about pressure!

Parents are human beings. Human beings do not behave consistently all of the time. You, as a human being and a parent, have many emotions that sometimes just push through your attempts to be calm and rational. It’s human nature.

So while you may intend to always react calmly to your children, when the unexpected happens (e.g., You sniff out the stench in the house to discover your 10-year-old’s missing baseball socks under her bed, growing mold) you just might scream!

Instead of beating yourself up…

Try a little kindness. Your child is going to see you get upset for a variety of reasons from time to time. What’s important is that s/he also sees you treat yourself with compassion.

If you feel you have mishandled a situation with your child, rather than beat yourself up, try comforting yourself. You don’t deserve to be punished for your mistake, but that is what you are doing when you criticize yourself in a demeaning fashion.

According to Kristin Neff, Ph.D. the first step in a self-compassionate approach is to be aware of what’s going on inside:

Take a moment to notice what you are saying to yourself. You might be thinking, “Of course I know what I’m saying to myself!” But most people don’t actually stop to hear the words and how harsh they sound; it has become automatic to say “What a dummy,” etc. We end up sending ourselves these critical messages over and over again. Unless you become more consciously aware of these messages, you continue to chip away at your own self-esteem.
Pay attention to the “tone of voice” you are using in your self-talk. If you are calling yourself names, you probably sound angry, and harsh.

Then, just as you would comfort your child, or a good friend, be compassionate with yourself. Soften your tone of voice. Choose words that serve to comfort. Practice an attitude of acceptance. You might tell yourself, “That didn’t turn out the way I wanted…. Like every other human being on this earth, I made a mistake.” You could smile, and even give yourself a hug. According to Dr. Neff, your body responds to that physical gesture of warmth and care. It may seem silly, but self-hugging can help to soothe distressing emotions.
In this attitude of compassion, seek to repair the disconnect with your child. For example, you might say, “When I found your socks I really just lost it. I didn’t handle that well. Would you like a hug?” Then just listen. At a later time you can restate your expectation that your child will put dirty socks in the laundry room.In the case of the tantrumming toddler, just be present. Hold your child when s/he is ready to be held. In a soothing voice you might say, “You were very angry when I said we couldn’t go outside…..And then I got angry and I yelled. I’m just going to sit here now and be quiet. Do you want to sit with me?” Even if your little one is too young to understand your words, say them anyway. Your child will hear your compassion.

I highly recommend the book, Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, Ph.D., who writes openly about her own struggles with parenting her autistic child. Take a few moments to look at her website http://www.self-compassion.org, where she has a brief video clip and some guided meditations.

She Won’t Wee in the Potty

By: Val Mullally

‘My daughter was 3 in October and is still not toilet trained. In all other ways she’s pretty advanced but she just seems terrified of using the toilet. We’ve tried everything – musical toilets, reward charts, taking her to see around a nursery school and explaining she needs to be out of nappies to go. But for some reason she is terrified of going. She knows when she needs to go and I don’t think its laziness as when she hasn’t got a nappy on she doesn’t wet. She just cries and says she needs to go and sits on toilet but says her wee wee won’t come out. This can go on for 2 to 3 hours and she’s miserable the whole time. We hadn’t tried since before Christmas but tried training her again this week but she’s totally stressed out and has started crawling round the house saying she’s only a baby. I just wish I knew how to take the fear away for her. I don’t know what to do… But I do know the answer is not smacking her…’

VAL REPLIES:

It makes sense that you’re concerned that your three years old daughter’s not yet potty trained, because it’s natural as parents to hope that our children will be moving through the milestones when everyone else’s are doing so. It obvious that you’re a caring parent – that’s why you’re asking! And I’m so glad that you know that smacking isn’t the answer (that would only increase her anxiety even further).

You’ve tried different tactics and to date you’ve found out what isn’t helpful for your daughter. (That’s great – you’ve eliminated some possibilities!)

It seems there’s a high level of anxiety for her at present.

So step one:

Choose to let go – of your anxiety. When you can let go of your anxiety, she’s more likely to literally let go!

Figure out what it would take for you to be relaxed about this and what you can do if you sense your anxiety rising. Even focusing on your breathing can help at times when you begin to feel stressed. Breathe in till count of seven – out to count of eleven for several breaths. Trust that this situation will naturally dissolve when you stay connected to her, in a way that shows that you trust she’ll do this when she’s ready.

A key element to her becoming calmer is for her to sense your calmness. Young children’s brains are still ‘under construction’ and at this age she is only beginning to emotionally regulate herself. Young children rely on the parent to calm them down. This is why you choosing to be relaxed about this is so important.

And when she’s stressed she becomes emotionally flooded. Which means the ‘reasoning’ part of her brain is temporarily out of action, so trying to reason about being a ‘big girl for school’ won’t work at this point. (In fact, if she’s worrying she’s ‘not a big girl’ it’ll increase her stress.)

Step Two:

You say, ‘I wish I could take her fear away.’ I’d suggest that you rather focus on being present to her in her anxiety. View this as an opportunity to reassure your daughter and to help her to be in touch with herself.

Reflect her experience and name her emotions.

Child: My wee won’t come out.

Mum: Your wee won’t come out! (Reflect what she’s telling you. Stay connected with her, whilst choosing to be calm about this).

If you sense her emotion, name the feelings. Maybe a tear runs down her cheek:

Mum: ‘You’re feeling sad?’ (Let your voice reflect that emotion).

Child nods.

Mum: ‘Tell me more.’

In other words, rather than ‘taking the fear away for her’ this is a wonderful opportunity to help her to name, claim and tame her emotions. (Emotional literacy is one of the most important gifts you can give your child).

Or she starts crawling and saying she’s only a baby.

Child: ‘I’m only a baby.’

Mum: (on the floor, close to her) ‘You’re only a baby.’

Follow her lead. Mirror her words and be present to her mood and her actions. Show you are there for her. When she senses you’re okay with this she’s more likely to relax.

By being present to her without trying to change her story, she can begin to make sense of her story for herself. (And you can gain huge insights too).

Here’s some other practical things you might try:

* Have you tried giving her a wetting doll (plus potty!) Give her the opportunity to act out whatever she needs to with the doll might ease her anxiety. And don’t be surprised if she plays out the same scenario repeatedly. By replaying it until she’s satisfied she’ll be able to release the bottled up feelings.

* I’m wondering whether she’s sitting on the big toilet (with an added toddler seat) or a little potty? Is the toilet itself what’s worrying her? (You could ask her if she would prefer to sit on a potty or on the toilet. She needs to feel she has control of the situation.)

* When my children were young we used cloth nappies. And our children potty trained at a much younger age. Apparently the level of absorbency of disposable nappies means that children don’t experience the sensation of being in ‘wet pants’, I wonder what would happen if you used towelling nappies.

* Give her plenty of liquids. Hopefully her bladder will then naturally do what its going to do.

* Be a role model! Let her come to the loo when you go.

* Importantly ensure that the loo is a pleasant place to be. I’d suggest sing songs, read stories, whatever will help to make it a relaxed time. But if nothing is happening, keep it ‘ no big deal’. Indicate that you’re confident she’ll be come back the toilet when she’s ready.

Final thoughts:

* Keep in mind, ‘What really matters here?’ It’s going to be an issue for her if it’s an issue for you. If you’re feeling stressed about it, its not the time to try. The key thing is relationship, relationship, relationship. It’s easy as a parent to become worried about something like this but when she senses the security of your ‘no pressure / no anxiety ’ presence she’s more likely to let go of whatever she’s holding onto, (literally and metaphorically).

* A great resource is Margot Sunderland’s book ‘Using Story Telling as a Therapeutic Tool with Children – Helping Children with Feelings’. She gives clear explanation how stories can give a child a means of dealing with challenges they face.

* You are the one who knows your child best. Trust your contuition (your conscious knowledge as well as your intuition) as to what’s needed and whether things will naturally shift .

* I’d recommend, when she does wee in the toilet, be careful no to go ‘over the top’ with praise. For me it would be ‘Oh, you did a wee in the toilet!’ Let your eyes and tone of voice give the gentle affirmation. She’ll have the inner satisfaction of knowing she’s done it. Extrinsic praise can block her own awareness.

* If there is no change and your ‘gut’ tells you there’s reason for concern, my recommendation would be to arrange a visit to a Play Therapist. ‘Children’s toys are their words and play is their language.’ If there is something deep-seated that’s not naturally resolving, a skilled therapist will provide a gentle environment for your daughter to express what she needs.

* When you focus on relaxing and being present to her and her experience it’s very likely that, rather than solving the problem, you’ll find the problem naturally dissolves.

To Smack or Not to Smack – that is the question

By: Val Mullally

The debate rages and, no matter which side of the argument you’re on, you can see you’re right. And what if, in one sense, both parties are right?

I say both parties may be right because I’m looking past the ‘to smack or not to smack’ and I’m asking a different question. I’m asking ‘What is it we really want to achieve?’ And I suspect that both parties will agree without hesitation that what we want is young people who are respectful of other people and of others people’s property.

So what would happen instead of trying to outshout each other’s argument regarding whether or not smacking is okay, we reflect on what might be learnt from the mindset of the other.

Here’s what it looks like from my viewpoint:

The ‘Smackers’ are right about children needing boundaries. When you’re standing on the ‘Smackers’’ side of the fence it’s obvious that many good old -fashioned values and behaviours have been undermined. They are saying ‘children need boundaries.’ And they are absolutely right. Children need boundaries for our benefit and also for their own. A child without boundaries can feel very insecure because he doesn’t know where the limits are. I once heard a wise lady describe a child raised without boundaries as being like a blind person trying to walk in a room that went on and on, without any walls. Imagine how disorientating, and perhaps even frightening, it would be to have no walls to help you gain a sense of direction. Children need boundaries so that they know what to expect and what’s expected from them. In fact, the ‘Smackers’ are cautioning something really significant here – Discipline is essential if we want peaceful society. ‘Kids who are brought up with firm, fair, consistent boundaries don’t go off the rails so easily.’ Sue Atkins[1] Certainly part of the problem with the UK riots had to do with lack of boundaries and discipline.

And what if the ‘Non-Smackers’ are also right because they have figured out that actually children are people too and all people deserve to be treated with respect? What if they’ve recognized that violence begets violence?

For some insight into why smacking isn’t going to achieve what’s needed, here are some key points that leading international neuroscientists recognise:

1. The child’s brain is still ‘under construction’. This means that the child will not always perceive things as we adults do. Yes, there are times when children will need our intervention and guidance.

2. Because the child’s brain is not fully developed, it also means that at times of strong emotion, children need adults who can be the ‘emotional thermostats’ – helping to keep the heat of roused emotions at a reasonable temperature.

3. When we are upset we don’t ‘think straight’. This is because we don’t have one brain. In a sense we have three brains, and the innermost section of the brain, often called the reptilian brain, is the part that reacts when the person is under threat. When we sense ‘danger’, the brain focuses its energy on this deep inner brain – causing us to go into reactive mode, of fight, flight, freeze or appease, to help keep us safe in an emergency. The cost of this ‘survival mode’ is that clear logical thinking temporarily shuts down. It makes sense that when a child is smacked, they are going to feel under attack, which means the primitive ‘survival’ mode of the brain is triggered, which means that they won’t take any learning from the situation. All the child will gain is a fear reaction that will get them to avoid being in the same situation again.

Will it teach them not to repeat that behaviour any time the authority figure is present to reinforce the punishment? Yes.

Will it teach them compassion or consideration for others? No, because the part reptilian part of the brain that is triggered when we are under attack doesn’t do compassion or reasoning – it only does survival. Crocodiles don’t worry about connection – they just do survival!

David Lammy UK author of ‘Out of the Ashes: After the Riots’ [2] states in an article in the Guardian, where he blames anti-smacking law for UK riots. “The ability to exercise their (parents’) own judgment in relation to discipline and reasonable chastisement has been taken away. ”

What I’d like to say to David is that I agree with him that children need discipline but Punishment and Discipline are not synonyms. ‘Chastisement’ is Punishment – not Discipline. Punishment attempts to work from the outside in. Discipline works from the inside out.[3]

Smacking (a.k.a, Punishment) isn’t going to achieve what’s needed because, in the words of leading neuroscientist Daniel Siegel:

“Discipline” really means to teach, not to “punish”.[4]

What we want is surely to teach our children acceptable social behaviour.

Some parents resort to smacking children because they don’t know how else to maintain boundaries. Some parents don’t smack but resort to other tools of coercion and manipulation that ultimately might be just as harmful, (and much of this is advocated on popular TV Parenting programmes).

I appreciate that David Lammy MP is voicing that the violence that erupted in the UK is a signal that this is an issue that needs urgent and serious attention. When Smackers and the Non-Smackers choose to focus on the outcome we desire: ‘What is it we really want to achieve?’, here’s some of the factors we’ll most probably agree on:

Yes, society needs children to have boundaries.

Yes, children need to have boundaries.

Yes, everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

And it’s time to learn from experts in the fields of child development, attachment parenting and neuroscience about what’s needed to raise emotionally healthy individuals who respect themselves and others.

What’s vital is that parents and educators are equipped with helpful discipline tools that work, not just on the short term from the adult’s perspective – but ‘work’ in the sense that they are going to achieve the long term goals of a peaceful and respectful society, where everyone’s needs, including children’s, are taken into account.

Teenage Freedom?

By: Val Mullally

‘How do I give my twelve year old freedom but also keep an eye on her without her thinking that I don’t trust her?’

What’s helpful when teenagers are pushing for freedom and you’re worried about their safety?

As parents we develop strategies to try to keep our teens safe – but not all are necessarily helpful.

The Checking Up Strategy

What I think isn’t helpful is ‘sneaky’ checking up.

I think of one mother who used to surreptitiously check her teenage daughter’s phone. The daughter resorted to renaming the ‘not- allowed’ boyfriend as ‘Jenny’ on her phone.

Life has a strange way of boomeranging – and if you do sneaky you’re likely to get sneaky.

One of the things that I did with my sons that was helpful was to have a policy that if they wanted to go out, we, as parents, would be phoning the parents who were hosting the event so that we could check arrangements.

They knew this was the deal and that we would not agree to them going out if there was anything that was of concern to us.

The ‘ParentPepTalk’ Strategy

I was so anxious that my sons would turn out ‘right’ that I thought it was my job to repeatedly remind them what ‘good’, responsible behaviour looked like. Now I look back I recognise that my sons had been taking ‘snapshots’ of ‘how we do life’ from a very early age. By the time they get to their teens they have a complete reference catalogue stored up –

how we do conflict

how we deal with upset feelings

what we do if we can cheat and get away with it

how we show love

what’s okay and not okay.

The endless list is already stored and the last thing teens need or want at this stage of their lives is the constant peptalk. When my son was in his early teens he told me about boys drinking at parties, he immediately got the ‘That’s not okay, please don’t you ever do that, I’ll be so disappointed, blaah, blaah, blaah’ ad infinitum lecture. So what happened within a couple of years is he stopped telling me what was happening in his life. The wiser me now recognises that he was telling me because he was trying to make sense of the standards we’d encouraged. It would have been more helpful if I’d just listened to what he wanted to share and asked his opinion.

We can get so worried by what we think might go wrong that we only focus on the negatives. What I know now is that if a child has a strong sense of self-esteem she’s not going to be trying to fill the ‘hole in her soul’ with drink, drugs, sex and all the other parent nightmares. A child with a strong self-esteem has an inner core she can rely on.

So how do we build young people’s self esteem?

Recognise that self esteem is much more than self confidence. Self Esteem is like a three legged stool and confidence is only one of those ‘legs’. Like any stool we need the legs to be of equal length and strength for a stable base. I’m most grateful for learning this concept through Jesper Juul’s book: ‘Your Competent Child’.

So let’s look at each of these:

Confidence comes from our sense of competence. Learning to be able to do things for yourself and to be able to figure out what’s needed is all part of confidence building. Obviously a situation that’s too big and overwhelming and beyond the child’s control will have the opposite effect and would damage the child’s confidence. That’s why it is important that we as parents both build our children’s confidence and also set clear boundaries around what we do and don’t permit.

Confidence is built when young people can figure out their own solutions. If parents are always rushing in to solve every dilemma, how do children learn? Ask yourself if there are times when it would be more helpful to let your child take the consequences of her action (or inaction).

Belonging In the teen years a sense of being part of the group becomes very important. The challenge comes when your child loses a sense of ‘belonging to herself’. Our need to feel connected to ourselves (our autonomy) and our need to be connected with others is like a see-saw. Both parts are necessary and the balance will only be kept if it’s firmly grounded in unconditional love.

When you get the first ‘teenage rumbles’ rather than resort to ‘Because I said so’ or caving in, focus on seeing these as opportunities to help the child keep connected with herself and her values and to learn to negotiate with you.

Worth Your child needs to know that nothing she does can add to or take away from her intrinsic worth. When she knows this she’ll know you are the ones to turn to when life’s uncertain.

When your child has a self esteem stool with three strong legs of confidence, belonging and worth, she has a stable base to deal with the challenges of teenagehood.

Our children are already born with incredible potential to beautiful, wise, creative, compassionate, wonderful people.

It’s our job as parents to create conditions for them to thrive.

You’ll discover more insights and practical tools in my CD ‘Helping Your Child Cope in the Real World’. Also available as MP3.

Helpful books on this topic:

Your Competent Child Jesper Juul

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families Stephen Covey

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls Mary Pipher

Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood William Pollack

When Grown Ups Fight at Christmas

By: Val Mullally

Dear Santa

There are many children who could have written this. Some of their parents are together – and fighting. Some are divorced parents, or separated – and fighting. What could you say this Christmas that might be helpful for families that don’t get along together?

PercyPostElf

Dear PercyPostElf

Yes, grown-ups fighting is one of the sad things that sometimes happens at Christmas. Sometimes it’s a heartbreak story, and other times it’s those little irritations when families don’t get along together. Here are some helpful tips when there’s the risk of adult conflict over the festive season. But first and foremost I encourage parents to ask themselves: ‘Is home a SAFE PLACE for my child?’

1. Make home a safe place

You’d do anything to protect your children – right? But where do your children turn for safety if you turn into the raging tiger? You’re not thinking about it at the time – but when you start snarling and roaring at your ex/partner/spouse you become someone who is unsafe to be around. No matter how angry you’re feeling, remember that your reaction can be upsetting for the children. It’s also never okay for your children to experience you being abused. If you or your children are in physical or psychological danger please get help immediately. Your children (and you!) deserve a home that is a safe place.

2. When temperatures rise, take a breather to cool down

When something happens that makes us feel unsafe, the survival instinct is triggered. The brain puts all its energy into ‘fight, flight or freeze’, so the thinking part of the brain temporarily ‘shuts down’. This means that when you’re in ‘fight’ mode you’re not thinking/reasoning. You may be trying to get the other person to ‘see reason’ – but neither of you is able to do this while you are upset. If you want to have a different outcome take a breather until you’ve all calmed down.

3. Your rising sense of anger is an indication you need change

But choose to listen to what your anger is telling you and figure out what’s helpful before your anger boils over into an uncontrolled rage. When someone’s pushing your buttons, take action to bring the change that’s needed whilst you’re still calm enough to think. Here are a few thoughts:

* Recognise: ‘Their behaviour is about them, my response is about me.’

* Sometimes what can be helpful is to use lighthearted humour – when you respond in a way that they don’t expect, it usually changes the whole game plan, providing you all laugh with each other (not at each other!)

* We can choose to deal with upsetting incidents without resorting to aggressive words or actions.

What else can help parents to stop the fighting?

For more insights on how to behave (children and parents!) in a way that’s going to create connection, I recommend popping Val Mullally’s Parenting book, ‘BEHAVE -What Do When Your Child Won’t’ into your own Christmas stocking.

* Remember that people who have already ‘flipped the lid’ or who have been drinking excessively have moved past reasoning. Don’t try to reason with an un-reasoning person. Just do what’s needed to calm the situation. Focus on keeping yourself and your children safe (emotionally as well as physically).

* Sometimes the only thing you can change is your own attitude. You don’t have to ‘bite the anger hook.’ At one point Val created a poster for herself with fish swimming past a baited hook and the words: ‘Swim on by.’

No-one ‘makes you angry’. It’s your choice.

Percy, sometimes families don’t get along, but if even one person chooses to do differently there can be a different outcome.

Of course every couple has a tiff sometimes, but what matters is not to let it get out of hand.

Before Parents end up on the slippery slope of anger, I wish they’d ask themselves:

‘Am I ensuring home is a safe emotional space for my child?’

May it be a peace-full Christmas.

Love Santa

Day 1 What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?

Day 2 ‘Need’ or ‘Want’

Day 3 Dealing with Disappointment

Day 4 Christmas Surprises

Day 5 Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases

Day 6 No Money This Christmas

Day 7 Christmas is for Giving

Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen

Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude

Day 11 Can’t Forgive

Day 12 Christmas – What Really Matters

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An Option to Meltdown

By: Val Mullally

‘We had total melt-down this week.’

It was the fourth week of our Parenting Programme, and Jane shared her story with the parents and myself, as facilitator, in her group. She’d had the flu during the week and one day was so off-colour that she left her five year old son, Timmy, to choose his own clothes for school. Later in the week he decided that he didn’t want to choose from the either/or outfits that she’d put ready – he wanted to choose his clothes himself. He started whining. She can’t stand him whining so she became increasingly uptight. He started having a meltdown and Jane left the room before she exploded. The other parents gave little chuckles – it was easy to identify with this situation.

‘How do I do it differently?’ she asked.

I invited her to role-play the situation, with me being the mother and her taking the role of the child. I wish I’d had the video camera rolling, but this is roughly what transpired.

THE ‘KOEMBA–CONNECT’ MODEL

I reminded the group of the ‘Koemba – CONNECT’:

‘PARK – CONNECT – FOCUS – EVOKE before you PLAN.’

As I role-played Jane’s part I consciously chose to PARK my own stuff (particularly I recognised I’m parking my worry about what the group might think).

I also imagine what I might have to PARK as Jane:

my own agenda (‘We’ve got to get going!’ )

my perspective (‘What’s wrong with the clothes I’ve chosen?)

my frustration (Why can’t he just co-operate?’)

my opinions (He’s just doing this to annoy me!)

my fears (If I let him choose, he’ll put on something ridiculous!)

All this is ‘my stuff’ and will pollute the space between us, unless I choose to park it.

Only when I put myself in PARK (In ‘neutral’ position) can I CONNECT.

I gently move in closer, I make eye contact at his level, using a ‘soft gaze’, I’m aware of keeping a calm tone of voice and open body language. Because I’ve already PARKed my stuff, what’s happening on the outside is actually a reflection of the inside– my intention is to CONNECT (Not trying create an instant solution, nor to cajole him into doing what I want). I know it will take time moving through the process to get to PLAN.

Timmy: I don’t want to wear these. I want to choose my own clothes.

Jane: You don’t want to wear those today.

Timmy: No, I want to choose my clothes for school.

Jane: You want to choose your clothes for school?

Timmy: Yes, when you were sick, I did it myself.

Jane: When I was sick you chose your own clothes.

I ‘timed out’ the conversation and checked in with the group. I recognized that as I was role-playing the mother, I wasn’t feeling up-tight and there was no sign of tension in ‘Timmy’. I checked in with ‘Timmy’ – he was ‘feeling heard’. I checked in with the group – what did they observe? They were aware of the calmness. There was no whining or emotional temperatures rising. And ‘Timmy’ was not doing an out-of-control pre-schooler reaction – but speaking in a very rational tone of voice. I (as ‘Parent’) had FOCUSED on the situation and EVOKED a response (rather than a reaction).

The Parent group then imagined what would be the situation now if this was an adult-to-adult discussion. We’d PLAN – we’d work together to find a solution that met both our needs. Jane laughed.

‘I guess I’m worried he’d make a crazy choice but actually he dressed very sensibly when I was too sick to organize his clothes.’

Another mum shared,

‘It’s always a rush in the morning. I think if we just do it ‘my way’ it will save time. But when I push my own agenda and ignore what my child needs, it takes much longer and we’re all uptight and upset.’

HELPFUL PROBLEM SOLVING TOOL

‘I get that,’ said one of the dads, ‘but sometimes that’s not practical.’

We discussed a great tool that Faber and Mazlish introduce in their book ‘How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.’

My YouTube video clip ‘Power Struggle Solution’ demonstrate this approach – click here if you’d like to discover this tool. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how ‘copped on’ your children are at coming up with workable solutions and it’s a great way to build their problem solving and negotiation skills.

THE POWER OF THE ‘KOEMBA – CONNECT’ MODEL

The group recognized the power of the Koemba-CONNECT approach to move out of the power struggle and to create harmony in the home. What it’s sometimes hard to remember in our Parenting, is that it’s not our job to persuade our children to think the same as we do. Our role is to support our children to be themselves, with their own thoughts, experiences, emotions and viewpoints. What we can do is to guide them to be response-able. We can CONNECT so that they can articulate their own opinions and respect others’ – we can model how to connect and compromise. That’s the potential power in our day-to day parenting struggles. Every upset is an opportunity for growth.

Instead of our children growing up thinking ‘my way or the highway’, they’ll absorb powerful tools to deal respectfully with conflict in relationship.

‘I don’t want to go to school’

By: Val Mullally

If you’re anything like I was when my children were young – those words filled me with anxiety.

I needed my child to be happy at school so that I could feel okay about it.

So how to respond in a way that’s actually helpful?

It’s so easy to get caught up in our own anxiety that our response is actually about trying to calm our own anxiety – rather than responding to him.

Here’s some of the tactics we parents use in our attempt for ‘smooth entry’.

Parent: Unhelpful Tactic 1

We try to do is convince him he thinks /feels otherwise.

‘Of course you want to go to school – you love school.’

Parent Unhelpful Tactic 2

Change the subject.

‘Oh, look. There’s Johnny. Let’s go to the park together.’

Parent Unhelpful Tactic 3

Compare.

‘Your sister loves school.’

Parent Unhelpful Tactic 4

Try to reason.

‘You’ll be home in just a few hours.’

‘But last week you said you really wanted to go to school.’ (Maybe he did – but that was last week –not now!)

Parent Unhelpful Tactic 5

Bribe.

‘Be a good boy and go to school and I’ll buy you an ice-cream on the way home.’

Parent Unhelpful Tactic 6

Belittle.

‘Big boys all go to school.’

These tactics aren’t helpful because:

* Your child’s not feeling heard or ‘feeling felt’.

(When his emotions aren’t calmed, he won’t be able to figure out how he can handle the challenge).

* When he experiences his parents ignoring what he’s experiencing, over time he might begin to doubt or ignore his own inner experiences / thoughts and feelings.

* If he can’t share these worrying emotions with you because you ignore / divert him then he might start thinking that he can’t share other concerns him with you.

* He might feel resentful towards a sibling (just because she likes school, why should that mean he does?)

* And if he figures that bribes get him rewards, you’re creating a situation where he’s more likely to complain about more things. (‘Mentality: ‘The more I complain the more ice-creams I get!’)

* Shaming a child might get the immediate result you want, but it means he’ll just be stifling his worries, rather than learning he’s got a supportive mum / dad who will listen and help him figure out what’s needed.

So what can be helpful?

* Be aware that, even if you’ve been careful about what you say, your child ‘reads’ you – your body language, tone of voice, muscle tension, facial expression. If he senses you’re tense/ worried/ anxious/ don’t want to ‘let your baby go’ – he’ll cooperate with you – and give you the behaviour that you are subconsciously ‘asking him for’. This means making sure you’re settled and calm about the situation. (And sometimes one parent copes better at the school gate than the other parent – try to plan it that way if possible).

* Respond to what your child’s experiencing – not to your own needs. It’s so easy for us to so want for it to be okay, that we’re trying to soothe him for our own sake, rather than being tuned in to what’s actually helpful for him.

* Respond to his words.‘ So you don’t think you want to go to school today. Tell me more.’ Often just having a chance to talk about it, knowing someone’s really listening, may be all he needs to do. And maybe there IS something that’s not okay, that he’ll need your support to sort out.

* Empathise. Notice his body language and facial expression as well as his words. Try to ‘get into his skin’ and feel what he’s feeling. Naming the emotion helps him to ‘name’, ‘claim’ and ‘tame’ the emotion.

‘You’re feeling sad/ worried about going to school?’ If you name the emotion, he’s more likely to have a sense that his experience is normal / understandable to others and this makes it easier for him to deal with overwhelming emotions. He’s more likely to calm down when he ‘feels felt’.

Our culture tends to give a message ‘big boys don’t cry’ but our tears when we are upset are chemically different to the tears we cry when we peel an onion. Our ‘upset tears’ contain stress hormones – so when we’ve ‘had a good cry’, we feel better / more able to cope. Having said that, there’s a time (Like going into the school gate) when tears most probably aren’t going to be helpful. Time to be listened to beforehand can reduce risk of tears at the gate.And avoid expressions like ‘Don’t cry.’ (All he’ll hear is ‘Cry’!)

Even young children can learn to use focusing on their breath to contain themselves. (Great at the dentist or doctor’s) Remind him of something that will be encouraging or reassuring. (‘I’ll be right here to meet you at home time.’)

* Some children battle to be away from the parent. Some token object to ‘keep safe for me’ or ‘so that you know I’m thinking of you’ that he can tuck into his pocket can give him something tangible to feel and reassure himself at times when he might need to calm himself during the day.

* Giving a choice can be helpful. Perhaps as you get close to the school your child becomes increasingly clingy. ‘Would you like me to walk to the classroom door with you or do you want to say goodbye in the hall?’ Not going to school isn’t being offered as an option – but, by making a choice, your child doesn’t feel powerless in the situation

* Daily transition times – home to school – can be stressful. Do what you can to minimize stress, like having everything ready beforehand, know where the car keys are, leaving five minutes extra early. A calm start to the day can make all the difference.

* Keeping still (comparatively) and concentrating and cooperating all morning is stressful for young children. Plan for a healthy breakfast to start the day and an opportunity to work off a bit of energy. (Can you walk to school?) Likewise, time to work off energy on returning home is needed.

In my years as school teacher/ principal I found that Monday morning blues after the first weekend is very common, even with some children who started school happily for the first few days. Forewarned is forearmed. Be extra aware of what might be needed after the weekend so that you can respond helpfully before meltdown happens!

I’d love to hear your experiences.

Happy schooling!

Rioting teenagers – can your parenting make a difference?

By: Val Mullally

We watch the news and wonder how an educated country like England can erupt into such chaos.

What’s it all about?

They might have captured images on CCTV that will lead to arrests – and then what?

It’s like a doctor who treats only the symptoms without dealing with the root cause of the dis-ease.

It’s no good treating dysentery without creating clean water supplies and proper sanitation.

So what’s needed to clean up the current conflict in Britain?

If all conflict is a protest at the disconnection, what’s the disconnection and how can it be repaired?

Disconnection from self?

(Ironically, if regular life for a young man feels like ‘walking dead’ – can you imagine the sense of ‘aliveness’ that being involved in this type of trouble can arouse?)

Every image I saw last night of the violence was of young males.

Perhaps we’ve deprived them of environments where they can test their strengths and learn new skills – that they’re seeking some way of reconnecting with the masculine?

What does a healthy young male with testosterone pumping in his veins do, if he’s not given healthy channels of outlet?

Today is the eighteenth birthday of a young friend. There are three sons in the family, local farming lads – strong, talented, intelligent and kind, with two parents committed to their healthy upbringing.

I cannot even imagine these young men being involved in this sort of terrorizing behaviour and vandalism.

They’re being given the environment for their masculine energy to be something they’re proud of – and something that contributes to community.

So in the areas where young men are not so fortunate, where are the ruptures in connection?

Disconnection from a sense of what makes life meaningful?

Disconnection from a caring, connected community?

Disconnection from family?

And in particular, perhaps disconnection from healthy masculine role models?

In South Africa a number of years ago, the rangers in one of the large Game reserves were finding mutilated rhino. The creatures were so horribly damaged that the first thought was that this horrific vandalism had been done by poachers. Then they realized that this was not the cause, as the valuable horns had not been removed.

They discovered that the chaos had been caused by marauding ‘teenage’ elephant bulls. Over the previous years, the senior males in the herd had been eliminated by the rangers, as a means of population control. The result was that without the ‘big guys’ to model appropriate behaviour and keep the discipline, the young males went wild.

It’s an interesting tale to reflect upon at this time.

I’m not in any way condoning the behaviour –but all behaviour makes sense.

In my work as a Parent Coach I have repeatedly found that parents will book sessions to see me because of a ‘problem child’ and they are feeling at a loss as how to cope with the behaviour.

As the sessions progress, the issues below the surface begin to emerge. As parents discover how to meaningfully communicate and deal with what’s really causing the dis-ease, the child’s challenging behaviour invariably melts away. It’s not so much that problems are solved – but that they dissolve, once the parents begin to implement change that creates more enjoyable and fulfilling family life for everyone (parents included!)

The interesting thing is that, in retrospect, the parents can see that the challenging behaviour has proved to be a gift – so that they as parents could figure out what really matters and what they are going to do about it to create the home they really want.

An environment for young people to thrive.

The family is the building block for society.

When we create healthy family, we create healthy society.

This isn’t just parents’ responsibility – but starting where we are is the best place to start.

We can easily point the finger at these perpetrators – but it’s likely that such anti-social behaviour will continue to break out, like dysentery, unless we deal with the root problems.

African proverb:

“If young men aren’t initiated into the village, they will burn it down just to feel its warmth.”

(Tweeted by @alantlwilson Bishop Alan Wilson)

The High-Achiever Meets her First Failure

By: Tricia Martin

I had a parent once approach me with the following:

“My daughter has never failed at anything. She’s extremely bright; everything seems easy to her. I worry about what will happen when she takes more challenging classes. How will she handle it if she finds something that is not so easy for her?

Eventually this mother revealed that she could see herself in her daughter. She also was a straight-A student in the early grades, but when she reached Chemistry and Trigonometry classes in high school, she was met with extreme discomfort. Instead of persisting, trying to get help with these subjects, admitting to her parents and teachers that she was struggling, she stopped trying. She was in the midst of an identity crisis. She had always been known as “The Brain,” and could succeed at everything she tried. Now she questioned herself.. What’s going on? Maybe I’m actually NOT smart! Her solution was to drop the difficult classes, identify with students who were not so bright, put up a new face that said: I’m done with all that high-achieving stuff. That’s for the egg-heads. I just want to do the bare minimum and then go out with friends.

On further discussion, the mother said that her parents had made such a big deal of her being “smart.” When she learned to read at an early age, her parents had her read for relatives and friends who came to visit. Everyone exclaimed about her smart she was. This became her identifying label.

It would have served her better if her parents had simply enjoyed her reading with her. She must have felt a growing sense of competence, as with accomplishing whistling or snapping her fingers! Her parents might have said, “You can read a lot of words all by yourself now. It looks like you really like to read. Is that right?”

When we assign the labels “smart,” or “bright,” to a child when she is successful we are saying, “Because you can do this, you are smart.” When the child encounters a more challenging task, it just stands to reason that she might say, “Because I can’t do this, I am NOT SMART.” This is what Martin Seligman (The Optimistic Child) calls a “stable attribution“.

If we think of “smartness” as stable, that means it doesn’t change. It is a characteristic that remains in us, not malleable.

If, however, we attribute our accomplishments to conditions that are malleable, our whole outlook changes. We remain in control of how well we perform.

Suppose 4-year-old Jack is reading along and comes to the word “traffic.” The “tr” blend and the length of the word make this one a challenge for him. If he has often been evaluated for his reading ability (e.g., “You are so smart!”) he might fear how he will now be evaluated (Yes, they pick up on this evaluation thing pretty quickly!). But if the parent is sitting beside him, just noticing Jack’s own feelings of competence, the evaluation doesn’t come into play. It might go as follows:

Jack: I don’t know this word.

Mom: Wow. That’s a new one for you. And it’s tricky. Let’s sound it out together.

Later, Mom might later share with Dad, in Jack’s presence, “We found a new word today in Jack’s book on trucks. It was a hard one, ‘traffic.’ We had to work at that one, so we sounded it out together and then Jack went on reading.

Again, a common thread this week is the importance of our interpretation of successes and failures. Our children will follow our lead.

See if you can pay attention to your own attributions and the labels you might give to your child. Are you aware of any? Please share!