We watch the news and wonder how an educated country like England can erupt into such chaos.
What’s it all about?
They might have captured images on CCTV that will lead to arrests – and then what?
It’s like a doctor who treats only the symptoms without dealing with the root cause of the dis-ease.
It’s no good treating dysentery without creating clean water supplies and proper sanitation.
So what’s needed to clean up the current conflict in Britain?
If all conflict is a protest at the disconnection, what’s the disconnection and how can it be repaired?
Disconnection from self?
(Ironically, if regular life for a young man feels like ‘walking dead’ – can you imagine the sense of ‘aliveness’ that being involved in this type of trouble can arouse?)
Every image I saw last night of the violence was of young males.
Perhaps we’ve deprived them of environments where they can test their strengths and learn new skills – that they’re seeking some way of reconnecting with the masculine?
What does a healthy young male with testosterone pumping in his veins do, if he’s not given healthy channels of outlet?
Today is the eighteenth birthday of a young friend. There are three sons in the family, local farming lads – strong, talented, intelligent and kind, with two parents committed to their healthy upbringing.
I cannot even imagine these young men being involved in this sort of terrorizing behaviour and vandalism. 
They’re being given the environment for their masculine energy to be something they’re proud of – and something that contributes to community.
So in the areas where young men are not so fortunate, where are the ruptures in connection?
Disconnection from a sense of what makes life meaningful?
Disconnection from a caring, connected community?
Disconnection from family?
And in particular, perhaps disconnection from healthy masculine role models?
In South Africa a number of years ago, the rangers in one of the large Game reserves were finding mutilated rhino. The creatures were so horribly damaged that the first thought was that this horrific vandalism had been done by poachers. Then they realized that this was not the cause, as the valuable horns had not been removed.
They discovered that the chaos had been caused by marauding ‘teenage’ elephant bulls. Over the previous years, the senior males in the herd had been eliminated by the rangers, as a means of population control. The result was that without the ‘big guys’ to model appropriate behaviour and keep the discipline, the young males went wild.
It’s an interesting tale to reflect upon at this time.
I’m not in any way condoning the behaviour –but all behaviour makes sense.
In my work as a Parent Coach I have repeatedly found that parents will book sessions to see me because of a ‘problem child’ and they are feeling at a loss as how to cope with the behaviour.
As the sessions progress, the issues below the surface begin to emerge. As parents discover how to meaningfully communicate and deal with what’s really causing the dis-ease, the child’s challenging behaviour invariably melts away. It’s not so much that problems are solved – but that they dissolve, once the parents begin to implement change that creates more enjoyable and fulfilling family life for everyone (parents included!)
The interesting thing is that, in retrospect, the parents can see that the challenging behaviour has proved to be a gift – so that they as parents could figure out what really matters and what they are going to do about it to create the home they really want.
An environment for young people to thrive.
The family is the building block for society.
When we create healthy family, we create healthy society.
This isn’t just parents’ responsibility – but starting where we are is the best place to start.
We can easily point the finger at these perpetrators – but it’s likely that such anti-social behaviour will continue to break out, like dysentery, unless we deal with the root problems.
African proverb:
“If young men aren’t initiated into the village, they will burn it down just to feel its warmth.”
(Tweeted by @alantlwilson Bishop Alan Wilson)
“The family is the building block for society.
When we create healthy family, we create healthy society.”
That’s why it is very important to discipline your child at home for it is the basic unit and thus parents are the 1st teachers of children. When you see those teens on riots, you will think that there is a problem at home but have you considered that they are just there because their friends told them so? You see, peers influences peoples action too. Its very important to enroll your child in a school where they get good set of people like in
military boarding school where they truly value discipline and responsibility. As a result will prevent then from being liability to the community.
I agree with you ShiShi that discipline and responsibility is part of the solution to build healthy families and healthy society. When children have strong self esteem they will be able to make healthy choices about what they do – not just because ‘their friends told them so’. (They’ll choose healthier friends too). Some people might see military school as an option, particularly for children with challenging behaviour. My opinion is that parents need to be actively involved in making sense of what’s going on and working to create meaningful connection. The founder of Summerhill School stated : “Any act of violence or aggression from a child is a request for love.” And I pereceive that love is love that sets boundaries, establishes a code for respectful behaviour and ensures consequences – that’s part of our responsibility as parents. Scott Peck says ‘Love is extending yourself to cause the other person’s growth’. Children with strong family connection, where they KNOW they are loved are far more likely to make healthy choices. For parents in this sort of challenging situation I’d suggest working with a Parent Coach who can support them to look at all their options, develop more helpful ways of communicating and connecting, and figure out what’s really needed.
Yes. Love, support and understanding is what they need. But when you already have given 1000x chance for them to change and yet they still don’t give a damn about it then its time for them to really have serious discipline. We don’t really know what is inside a teens mind, all we know is they need to value responsibility and respect not just for their parents but for other people too..
I guess the challenge is when we as parents . don’t see that love INCLUDES boundaries. It’s our job to discipline our children – and interestingly the word discipline comes from the same root as the word ‘disciple’ . People follow a true leader by the example s/he sets and the inspiration that s/he evokes. I agree young people need responsibility and respect – for themselves and for others.
Koemba advocates that the involvement of the parents, helping then to learn more effective ways of parenting can be hugely important.
I was fortunate to have spent a weekend in the company of Val, and even more fortune came my way to meet the eighteen year old friend and his family Val referred to in her conversation, “Rioting teenagers – can your parenting make a difference?” The three brothers are such a good example of what a connected, caring and a healthy family life can produce.
With a father setting the well balanced, male figure example for his three sons, and a wonderful mother, who is very active in her community, clearly has laid a solid foundation for their family. The result is magnificent.
During my “morning tea” visit on their farm, it was a pleasure to experience such a sense of caring, connectivity and respect between these family members.
When asked, two of these young men, were quite willing, to play various music pieces on their unique instruments for me, which I believe is indicative of just some of their talent. It was an experience to see their commitment to what they do, their involvement and participation in healthy conversation, and there is much to be adored. Well done parents! And yes Val, it is such a good example of how parents have the ability of actively being involved with their children and create the confidence in each one of them to participate in the society as peers one day!
All the talks and discussions I shared with Val during the week-end, had brought about much insight and clear understanding in many of my personal thoughts. Your motivation, real passion and sincere care to help others, is an inspiration by itself. These boys are fortunate to have you as a friend Val! Your teachings can also be successfully aimed and could be relevant to the much elderly!