Dear Santa

On the blog today a mother is asking how to deal with children’s emotions, when she’s dealing with ‘wants’ versus ‘needs’. And even children are worried about disappointment – see Liam’s letter.

What can parents do?

PercyPostElf

 

Dear PercyPostElf

Sometimes when children have a big ’want’ it can feel like a ‘need’.

Parents hate to see their children disappointed.  They love their kids so much that they  forget that disappointment is part of the fabric of life. Preventing  children from ever feeling reasonable disappointment is like keeping a plant in a  hot-house,  it’ll never cope with being exposed to the storms of life.

Some parents will have disappointed children this Christmas. Here’s what I’ve learnt about ‘whole-brain’ parenting and disappointment. When a strong emotion is triggered,  the brain goes on ‘red alert – survival mode’ and  the reasoning part of the brain temporarily ‘shuts down’.  Reason-able behaviour  often disappears because we are not able to reason  – the thinking part of the brain isn’t fully functional, when we are emotionally flooded.

What doesn’t help when a child is emotionally flooded?

1. Be-littling (e.g. ‘Big boys don’t cry!’  ‘Oh grow up!’)

2. Comparing (e.g ‘Your sister’s happy with what she’s got.’ ‘I didn’t get anything like you’ve got when I was little.’)

3. Reasoning  (e.g. ‘But we can’t afford any more.’)

4. Ignoring (Upset feelings don’t just go away by themselves, even if they go underground. They need a space to be heard and validated).

5. Redirecting – parents think this helpful, but it’s a subtle way of ignoring the child’s experience.

 

Here are my tips for parents for what can be helpful when a child’s disappointed:

1. Help your child  to Name/ Claim and Tame this emotion.

2. Use the Koemba-CONNECT tool  (see Val’s blog ‘An Option to Meltdown’ for more on this).

3. The Koemba RE-Vu tool is helpful here:  ’I Reflect - Empathise and Validate  you.’

Reflect what he expresses and Empathise.

‘You’re disappointed that you didn’t get the *** for Christmas. Tell me more.’

4. Give the space to share how it is for him,  just accepting his emotion without trying to change anything. Remember his behaviour is about him – your response is about you. When you’re safe and connected – he can express disappointment. Name his angry or disappointed feelings. When he names them, he can claim them (own them as his own ) and tame them. He can be in charge of the feeling rather than the feeling in charge of him.(Val’s MP3 download  ‘Managing Anger in the Home’ has more on this.)

5. Validate how it is for him.

‘’And that makes sense because you would really have liked.’

Validation doesn’t mean that you agree with him – you’re just acknowledging his perspective. Sometimes tears might flow. Just stay connected. The tears we cry when we’re emotionally upset are chemically different to the tears we cry when we’re peeling an onion. So there’s wisdom in the expressions: ‘Have a good cry’ ‘Cry it all out.’    (And of course, the same goes for girls too).

‘Children whose feelings and experiences are validated may cry more or they may become angrier precisely because your validation gives them permission to express their deepest feelings. Once they have done, however, they often move on with no residue of bad feelings.‘ Aldort 2006

So let children be children. If disappointment happens, be there for them – you don’t have to feel guilty or  wave a magic wand. Just connect.

Looking forward to other questions from parents.

Love

Santa

PS  To see  my other letters:

Day 1  Dealing with children’s huge expectations

Day 2   Children’s ‘needs’ or  ’wants’?

Day 4   Christmas Surprises

Day 5   Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases

Day  6   No Money This Christmas

Day 7   Christmas is for Giving

Day 8 When Sad or Bad Things Happen

Day 9   When Grown Ups Fight

Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude

Day 11 How to Catch a Monkey

Day 12  Value of Crisis and Less