The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
Your toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of a store. Your preschooler refuses to get dressed. Your fifth-grader sulks on the bench instead of playing on the field. Do children conspire to make their parents’ lives endlessly challenging? No—it’s just their developing brain calling the shots!
In this pioneering, practical book, Daniel J. Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author of the bestselling Mindsight, and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson demystify the meltdowns and aggravation, explaining the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. The “upstairs brain,” which makes decisions and balances emotions, is under construction until the mid-twenties. And especially in young children, the right brain and its emotions tend to rule over the logic of the left brain. No wonder kids can seem—and feel—so out of control. By applying these discoveries to everyday parenting, you can turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child’s brain and foster vital growth. Raise calmer, happier children using twelve key strategies, including
• Name It to Tame It: Corral raging right-brain behavior through left-brain storytelling, appealing to the left brain’s affinity for words and reasoning to calm emotional storms and bodily tension.
• Engage, Don’t Enrage: Keep your child thinking and listening, instead of purely reacting.
• Move It or Lose It: Use physical activities to shift your child’s emotional state.
• Let the Clouds of Emotion Roll By: Guide your children when they are stuck on a negative emotion, and help them understand that feelings come and go.
• SIFT: Help children pay attention to the Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts within them so that they can make better decisions and be more flexible.
• Connect Through Conflict: Use discord to encourage empathy and greater social success.
Complete with clear explanations, age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles, and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives.
WELCOME TO THE ‘WHOLE BRAIN CHILD STUDENT DISCUSSION.
INTRODUCTION: viii – x ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR CHILDREN?’ – LIST YOUR 8 TOP PRIORITIES AND REFLECT ON THESE.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE? WHAT IMPACTS YOU ABOUT THIS QUOTE?
RE p. ix TRY CREATING A ‘WHAT …?’ QUESTION THAT COULD BE HELPFUL TO ASK YOURSELF IN A ‘SURVIVE’ MOMENT.
CHAPTER 1:
p. 4 – 10 WHAT’S YOUR RESPONSE TO THE ‘EEA WOO WOO’ STORY?
p. 10 – 13 ANY AWARENESSES AROUND YOUR OWN FAMILY PATTERNS RE CHAOS / RIGIDITY? (SIEGEL TALKS ABOUT THIS AS AN INDIVIDUAL THING – KOEMBA ALSO REFLECTS ON IT RE THE FAMILY UNIT)
WHAT’S A FAVOURITE QUOTE IN THIS CHAPTER?
ANY OTHER COMMENTS / QUERIES?
I took two main things from the introduction. The first is that I can learn to help my kids thrive during the many ‘survive’ moments I encounter every day. Quote introduction p viii ‘the moments you are just trying to survive are actually opportunities to help your child thrive’. Quote intro p ix ‘a survive moment is also a thrive moment’. Quote intro p ix ‘you can use all of the interactions you share – the stressful angry ones as well as the miraculous, adorable ones – as opportunities to help them become the responsible, caring, capable people you want them to be’.
The second point I took from the introduction is that it is never too late to improve my own brain and become more emotionnally aware as this will not only be more fulfilling for me as a person but it will also help my kids. Quote intro p xii ‘integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your children’.
THANKS MARIE FOR STARTING THE DISCUSSION. I THINK PARENTS REALLY NEED TO HEAR IT’S NEVER TOO LATE AND THAT WE CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ON CH 1 WHEN YOU READY. JUST PUT ‘CH 1’ AT BEGINNING OF THE POST.
The title ‘The Whole Brain Child’ is very suited as it explains how the different chapters focus on how the brain develops at different stages. It also has made be more aware on how the child’s brain mirrors the adults. I agree with the author that most parents goals is to help deal with parenting during difficult moments and for them to be happy and we can often compare ourselves(including me) to the parent we think that has got it right. What I learned here and thought it was important was that it is not just important when everything is going smoothly but the moments when there are challenges are also important. These moments are important because I (we) have the opportunity to teach them life skills and how to deal with their emotions. These moments will be important for helping them reach their full potential. In the past we may have been thought to distract children from painful times (or as the chapter says pg.
x1 shelter them) but here it suggests that it is so important to help them deal and teach them the skills to do this.
From what I read so far has helped me understand that children’s behaviour and feelings can be related to the stages of brain development.
Hi Eileen
I agree with you that the big shift is from distracting (or downplaying) our child’s upset to helping them develop the inner awareness and also the skills to deal with it. I see these ‘painful times’ (including the conflict moments) as unique windows of opportunity.
In chapter 1 I really like the ‘river of well being’ analogy – page 11. I plan to show the picture on page 12 to my kids and ask them to discuss what they see. I’ll let you know what we take from the picture as a family. I am hoping to be able to use the analogy to bring any one of us back from the ‘edge’ in future ‘survive’ moments. We’ll see how it goes! In terms of the Eea Woo Woo example I feel I already respond, mostly, like Marianna. I allow my kids to express their concerns and worries over and over until the issue in question fades away from their brains as a topic of priority. The challenge I suppose is when they raise their concerns at a time when we are on the way out the door or at other times when I can’t give them my full attention.
Re chapter 1- I mentioned I intended using the river of well being analogy on page 11. Well my five year old loved the picture and understood how it fitted in with how he regularly feels. For him the sides of the river represent times when he is sad or angry. He regularly uses it now and often says “I am in the centre of my river” or “where are you on your river mam?”. My husband also read pages 10 – 14 of chapter 1 and feels he could find the analogy useful for himself. It’s also useful as a family that we are all using the same terminology.
Hi everybody, sorry for the delay in getting back to the group. I have not deserted you, :).
Chapter 1 – eea woo woo
I was really impressed by the way Marianna (mum) handled the situation. She talked to her son about the accident.
As parents we tend to protect our children too much but not giving them too much explanation because we don’t want to make too much of a fuss or we don’t want our child to re-live the experience thinking it would be too traumatic for them.
I can really learn from the example in the book by dealing with an incident when it happens and not pretending that it never happened; I guess this approach helps the healing process to happen faster than anticipated.
Between Chaos and Rigidity – pg10 – 13
Absolutely sensational – the example with the boat floating in the river….
I will take Marie’s example and show this to my son who is 10. I am so curious on what he has to say about that.
I particularly liked the description of mental health, at some point in the chapter, “as our ability to remain in a river of well – being”. It is so simple but so inspiring and positive.
I have a revelation every time I finish a sub-chapter. This book is a great tool to have and know when you are dealing/working with children.
Looking forward to seeing you soon ladies!
Hi Marie and Anca
I think the river analogy is one of the most useful in the whole book. It’s a worthwhile one to keep in your mind. And it makes sense that it can give the whole family a way of describing/ understanding ‘where they’re at’. Thanks for sharing your experience Marie, and look forward to your feedback on using the tool, Anca.
RE CHAPTER TWO: I LIKE THE DISCUSSION RE HOW THE RIGHT HEMISPHERE PROCESSES THE ‘HEART’ STUFF. IN WHAT WAY COULD THIS INFO THAT YOUG CHILDREN ARE RIGHT BRAIN DOMINANT BE HELPFUL FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN? I LIKE PARTICULARLY RE THE USE OF NO-VERBAL AS WELL AS VERBAL CONNECTION. WHAT’S A KEY THOUGHT / FAVOURITE QUOTE FOR YOU?
CHAPTER THREE: THIS ‘UPSTAIRS/ DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN’ IS A SIMPLE WAY TO EXPLAIN TO CHILDREN – AND WHEN PARENTS REALISE THAT THE CHILD’S UPSTAIRS BRAIN IS STILL ‘UNDER CONSTRUCTION’, THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE COMPASSIONATE RE ‘DIFFICULT’ BEHAVIOUR. RE P 48 #3 – EVEN OUR TONE OF VOICE CAN TRIGGER (MORE ABOUT THAT THIS WEEKEND). ALSO IMPORTANCE OF BODY MOVEMENT (P 57 #4) MY FAVOURITE QUOTE: ‘LITTLE EYES ARE WATCHING TO SEE HOW YOU CALM YOURSELF DOWN’ . LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR COMMENTS.
Re chapter 2- I like the way the same theme runs from chapter 1 into chapter 2. The “river of well being analogy” is used in chapter 1 to describe mental health while in chapter 2 it can be used to explain “integration” between the left and right sides of the brain. A nice quote for me is on page 21: “by helping our kids connect left and right, we give them a better chance of avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and of living in the flexile current of mental health and happiness”.
The idea of responding with your right brain to a child who is flooded with right brain emotions is a simple but effective tool which I look forward to implementing. My kids are 18 months, nearly 4 years and 5 years of age so there is a lot of right brain stuff going on in my home. I just never labelled it as such before. I like the quote on page 24: “when parent and child are tuned in to each other, they experience a sense of joining together”. The same could be applied to the other important relationships in our lives.
The “connect and redirect” tool discussed in depth and illustrated on pages 22 – 27 and the “name it to tame it” tool (pages 27 – 33) are also worth exploring and practising in my daily life as a mother.
Re: Introduction
After reading the introduction to this book, I felt very excited about the keys the authors seem to be offering in order to unlock and understand children’s minds better. I couldn’t wait to keep reading and really felt like they
lifted the lid on some simple ideas that need so much exploration by parents/families everywhere. The idea of using a challenging situation and turning it into a potentially helpful situation brings such a sense of relief
and of freedom as a carer/Parent.
I’ve started trying to use more ‘what’ questions in ‘survive’ moments while caring for a 2 1/2 year old. One example was when he started colouring on the floor the other day and instead of getting stroppy with him, I instead
got down to his level and asked him what we could colour instead of the floor and asked maybe why that
would be a more helpful idea. As a result, he seemed happier to help clean it up and he didn’t shut down as a result of being told off. Later, he started colouring again on the paper and cheerfully said, ‘see look, colouring on paper instead.’ So, it obviously stuck with him and I affirmed this choice that he made. I would imagine that the more I use that type of response in ‘survive’ moments, the more productive his response
will be and in how it impacts him.
CH.1 I agree with the ladies and that we do try and distract the children in our life when they are experiencing pain or having a difficult time. Speaking for my self this is probably the easier solution at times. The writer here has shown how it can be more helpful to talk to the child and help them deal with their emotions. While we may forget about the child’s pain or experience it can come back latter to haunt them this is more helpful. While it may take more time than it helps a lot more in the long term to help deal with pain. This chapter also helps to explain how the brain works and how different experiences help develop the brain in different ways ‘watching tv, sports, friends and relationships’ (Siegel, 2011 p.8).As for the river it reminds me of our life journey and that we can at times move to either the right bank or left and each of them may have different challenges p.11 and as Siegel says p.12 children experience this as well but as a parent we may forget this. The lesson I have learned form here is to help my kids when then go to close to the bank and help them flow smoothly down the bank. Wish me luck this is easier said than done.
CH. 2: I found I interesting how the right side of the brain works differently to the right. This is helpful to know when dealing with challenging behaviours as you can understand where the child is coming from. It also helps us to respond to the child if we know which side is working. It is also helpful for healing. Siegal mentions life stories (pg 29) and I have learned about these in college where they are often used in Residential care. Now I have an extra tool in knowing how the brain works doing this with kids. He mentions ‘to tell a story that makes sense, the left brain must put things in order, using words and logic’ ( Siegel, 2011, p. 29) he then goes on to explain how the right brain helps dealing with emotions. Adults then can help the child to do this by encouraging them to talk about their experiences. ‘Name it to tame it’ ( Siegel, 2011, p. 31) is a vey useful tool when dealing with challenges. Siegel emotions this is a helpful technique for older kids. You could use it for dealing with parents too. Helping them tell their story helps them with moving forward. They are able to name their pain and accept it. I must add this quote to my tool box “name it to tame it’( Siegel, 2011, p. 31
THANKS LADIES FOR THE FEEDBACK. IT’S LOVELY TO HEAR HOW YOU’RE RELATING TO SIEGEL & BRYSON’S WORK. I LOVE THE ‘RIVER OF WELL-BEING’ ANALOGY TOO. INTERESTINGLY I WAS ALREADY USING THE ‘NAME IT/CLAIM IT’ APPROACH TO EMOTIONS SOME YEARS BACK – AND IT’S GREAT TO SEE THIS BEING BACKED BY NEUROSCIENCE.
CH 4 THE WORK ON IMPLICIT /EXPLICIT MEMORY CAN BE REALLY HELPFUL TO HELP PARENTS UNDERSTAND HOW CHILDREN (AND THEMSELVES) CAN BE TRIGGERED. (UNDERSTAND THAT ALL BEHAVIOUR HAS A CAUSE) . ONE ASPECT I WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY WOULD BE RE TINA’S RESPONSE RE THE END OF THE ‘BUTTERFLY’ STORY. P. 76 ANY SUGGESTIONS WHAT I MIGHT HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY? WHAT PART OF THIS CHAPTER IMPACTED YOU SPECIFICALLY?
CHAPTER FIVE: MY FAVOURITE SECTION IN THIS CHAPTER IS THE HUB DRAWING ON P 94/95 & P 98 -102. ANY COMMENTS ON THIS? ON P 96 & ON P 107 REFLECT ON HOW YOU MIGHT USE A COACHING APPROACH HERE. ON P. 118 IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD USE COACHING QUESTIONS TO HELP THE PARENT REFLECT USING SIFT. WHAT IMPACTED YOU IN THIS CHAPTER?
Chapter 3- I was very interested in the downstairs/upstairs material. It will change the way I deal with my kids now that I know the upstairs part of their brains are unfinished and are at different stages of development. The differences described between the upstairs and downstairs tantrums (pages 45-47) certainly will be useful to me when dealing with my toddler.
I will have a better understanding of how all three kids are processing or not processing things particularly in “survive” moments. My 5 year old son is currently trying to control his anger for example when his sister annoys him. His immediate reaction is to lash out. In the past I have tried getting him to count to ten or take a deep breath or walking away. This morning in the car on the way to school I explained about “flipping the lid”. He is very responsive to the idea and I told him I’d show him the pictures in chapter 3 (pages 62 and 63).
On page 55 there is an exercise on the section on empathy which I feel could be useful to do with my kids. We have often played the game wondering where people in other cars are going and the kids take it in turns to guess, eg maybe those people are going to the doctor’s or to the shops etc. In future games we could include questions like ‘how do think that person is feeling if they are going to the doctor’s?’. A useful quote from that section on page 55 is “the more you give your child’s upstairs brain practice at thinking of others, the more capable he will be of having compassion”.