Val Mullally delighted to be presenting workshop on

“ Facing Challenging Times Together  – how childminders can help parents during transition times”

at the Childminders’ Professional Development Day  - Dublin City Childcare Committee on Saturday 20 April 2013.

You are invited to a Koemba Day ‘BOUNCING BACK IN TOUGH TIMES’

(or join us for a half day if that suits you better)

Saturday 27 April 2013

‘An Solas’, Fortunestown Road, Dublin 24 

9:15am    tea  / coffee and reconnect!

9:30 – 12:45   morning session:

Bouncing Back in Tough Times

12:45 – 1:45 lunch

(Tea / coffee provided. 

Please bring packed lunch - or the Centra  shop behind the ‘An Solas’ centre sells rolls, wraps, etc.)

1.45 pm  afternoon session

                         When Parent Feel Anxious  -

                         When Children Are Anxious

A new tool to add to your Koemba toolbox!

Investment Fee:

 Full Day:   €70

or  save €10 with Early Bird – pay by Tues 22 April                                             (automatic online deduction or send cheque)

 Half Day:  €45 (morning or afternoon – and, of course, do join us for lunch!)

or save €8 with Early Bird – pay by Tues 22 April

CLICK HERE  to pay online for HALF DAY webpage.

(automatic online Early Bird deduction or send cheque)

P.S.  If you would prefer to attend a Koemba Day in Cork in the autumn, please send email to val@koemba.com.

The Koemba team is doing some research about what parents most need.

If you would please take a real quick moment to answer this question:

What’s your ONE biggest parenting challenge right now? 

(alternative: If you could ask only one question about parenting…what would it be?)

Thanks for your support. We’ll keep you posted about what we discover!

You are invited to a Koemba Day ‘BOUNCING BACK IN TOUGH TIMES’

(SIGN UP ON THIS PAGE if you can only join us for half day. Please add note as to whether you are attending morning or afternoon).

Saturday 27 April 2013

‘An Solas’, Fortunestown Road, Dublin 24

CLICK HERE FOR WEBPAGE re FULL DAY PROGRAMME

Half Day:  €45 (morning or afternoon – and, of course, do join us for lunch!)or save €8 with Early Bird – pay by Tues 22 April   (automatic online deduction or send cheque)

One of the questions I often hear is, ‘How do I know I’m Parenting right?’ 

Are you worried that you’re not Parenting right?

Confused about what is needed to give your child the best start in life?

How to keep your child safe and help them do well?

There are so many self-help books, articles and television programmes and some of it can be contradictory and confusing. Who has got the right advice? How do you know who to listen to? Whatever way you look at it, how does a parent know what is the right thing to do? How do you know you are being a ‘good’ parent? The thing is what worked in previous generations isn’t working now, because every parent in this new generation is a pioneer parent. What worked (or seemed to work) in parenting for your grandmother’s generation had probably worked for hundreds of years before. But as a parent now, you are facing challenges and opportunities beyond the wildest imaginings of your grandparents when they were young. Words that roll off our tongues were meaningless a few decades ago: Google, Kindle, Facebook, iPad, Skype, Internet, worldwide web, blog, laptop, smartphone, YouTube ….  TECHNOLOGY has created a whole new world. Which means that we need a whole new way of being in the world. So where and how do you find what is needed to parent now? As parents you are pioneering new territory as surely as the voyagers from five hundred years ago left the familiar behind to discover new lands. No one has been there before. You don’t know what the territory is like. You’re unsure of what dangers are lurking along the journey and you don’t know what resources are needed. Parenting in this new territory can feel disorienting, maybe overwhelming or even terrifying at times. Trying to return to the old land of strict discipline and ‘children must do what they’re told’ could easily seem the best option. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we know that in the long term that’s not going to work.

In the words of Einstein: A new solution is needed for a new situation.

Imagine the adventures experienced by those explorers who were brave enough to journey into the unknown. It makes sense that sometimes they must have felt exhausted. Sometimes they couldn’t imagine how they would have the resources to continue. Sometimes the only option was to keep going forward, even when they didn’t know what lay ahead. And at the same time imagine the thrill of stepping into new territory – new opportunities, insights and awarenesses that would never have happened if they hadn’t stepped out. Pioneering is an amazing experience, whatever the unknown territory is. And pioneering is not something you want to do alone. At times the early explorers came across a person who had journeyed some way along the new path already. Someone who had glimpsed the new territory and could give them an indication of what lay ahead. Someone who had viewed the terrain and could tell them what resources would be helpful. Someone who could give them hope and tell them that the journey would be worth it. The scouts who have reconnoitred this new land of Parenting and who are telling us about what lies ahead are the ones who have journeyed into the previously unknown world of what lies within us. Up until now this landscape has been as unfamiliar as the New World was to what Europe had understood the world to be in the Middle Ages. These scouts are reporting to us about the previously uncharted territory of our emotional world and of the workings of the brain. I’d like to share with you three pieces of really good news about what this means to you as a parent.

The first piece of good news is that some of the key information from the world of neuroscience is as simple as understanding the concept of North, South, East and West. It’s so basic that any parent can grasp the principles, and it gives you a compass to move though the territory of parenting – and relationships in general.

The second piece of good news is that you as a parent have the innate ability to be expert of your own situation. After all, you’re the one who has been there from the beginning, who knows the personalities involved and the dynamics between each of the members of your family. And you’re the one who is going to be there for the long haul. So the good news is that you are the perfect person to be parenting your children.

The third piece of good news is that we’re recognising the value of good old-fashioned wisdom. After all, we wouldn’t have survived as a human race if we didn’t KNOW how to raise our children. So, just as the pioneers to new lands drew on what they already knew and then related that to the new discoveries they were making, you can trust yourself to find what’s needed on your parenting journey. And just as discovering a new continent called for new responses, this new knowledge challenges us to rethink the idea of being a ‘good’ parent. So what’s needed to achieve this?

I recommend that you find yourself a scout, someone who has already taken time to adventure into the territory ahead. Someone who recognised the territory ahead will be different from anything you’ve ever journeyed through before. Not someone to tell you what to do. Rather someone who will encourage your awareness of your own resources and wisdom. Someone who will boost your confidence in your own abilities. And someone who will give you a map of the land, so that you will be able to plan your journey, navigate the challenges when they arise and celebrate your experiences. That’s why I advocate the Koemba Parent Coaching approach. Whether you choose to work on a one-to-one basis with a Parent Coach or whether you prefer a course so that you can journey with other pioneers on this Parenting adventure, either way you have the support to make this the most incredible, unique and worthwhile experience imaginable.

Right now if you are living anywhere accessible to Dublin, whether by air, rail or car, you have the chance to sign up for a three weekend introductory course. Three Friday evenings and three full day Saturdays that could potentially be one the most significant and life-changing experiences you could ever discover. They say that it’s not the things that we do that we most regret later in life. Rather, it’s the things that we don’t do that we regret.

I’m Val Mullally, founder of Koemba, and I will be facilitating the training, with two of the Koemba team, Florence Burns and Anca Lupu.  I am an accredited Parent Coach and a mother of two adult sons. I was a qualified teacher before having my children, but I wish I had known what I know now when my children were young. And I know it’s much tougher to parent now than when my children were young. Don’t miss this opportunity. This is your time and your opportunity to be the parent you really want to be. To be the one who will successfully take the pioneering journey of parenting in a new millennium.  An amazing adventure – and one you will always be so glad you took! CLICK HERE to  find out more. (EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT TILL 10 APRIL!)

Likewise, it’s in the moments when something goes wrong with our children that we can feel like all eyes are upon us. And it makes sense that as parents we want to avoid that negative limelight. I’m speaking from experience. My son broke his leg when he was young, and it wasn’t only his pain that upset me, but the disapproving look and not-so-subtle comments from a family member, who gave the message that I hadn’t ‘done my job’. Keeping our children safe is certainly high on the priority  list of parents but, as a society, have we become so safety conscious that we deny our children the opportunity to thrive? Are we so focused on keeping our children ‘safe’ that their health and well being has moved to second place?

I’m thinking, for example, of the time when I was about eight years old when  I broke my collar-bone climbing a tree in our back garden. I am so glad that my mother did not stop me from climbing trees after that incident! I don’t even remember her telling me to ‘be careful’ once I was able to swing myself back up into my leafy haven. Kids falling out of trees was something that happened from time to time. I doubt if my mother worried that someone would think she was a ‘bad parent’ for letting me climb a tree unsupervised. Climbing trees was seen as something kids do.   When I was at the top of the tree in a strong wind, I was a ship captain sailing the wild seas. On calmer days I’d stay still in my overhead lair and watch and listen to the comings and goings of the neighbourhood beneath me. The tree tops were my refuge on days when I felt glum. They were the place where my imagination took flight. They were, without me even realising it, where I developed my sense of balance and spatial awareness. The tree tops were also the place where it was most challenging to keep up with my older sister. I can remember inching along high limbs, quaking with fear, but determined to climb as high as my big sister climbed. This is where I developed tenacity; where I tested my staying powers and my limits. Where I learnt what my body could and couldn’t do.

So my question is, in what ways is our over-safety mindset depriving our children? How is it affecting our children’s health and well-being when we are so focused on safety that we ignore their need to explore, to observe, to adventure, to test their own abilities? We need to think about the message we give to children when we jump in too quickly to ‘keep them safe’.

Perhaps in our well-meaning safety consciousness we are giving messages like:

Keeping your child ‘too safe’

Don’t ever listen to your body wisdom.                  

You don’t know how to make decisions.

Let other people to determine what you can’t do.

The world is a dangerous, unsafe place.

In contrast, through my experiences in the tree tops  I discovered:

My body knows what it can and can’t do.

I can make decisions. I won’t always get it right but then I’ll know how to do it differently next time.

I know how to keep myself safe.

The world is an amazing place.

Life is an exciting adventure to be lived.

I invite you to think back to your childhood experiences of free play. What are some of your favourite memories? Where did you play? By yourself or with others? Write down at least 5 of the messages you received about life without even realising it. What messages about life and about themselves might your children be absorbing, thorough their play experiences? What messages do you really want them to absorb? So what’s working and what might you choose to do differently? When we are tuned in to our own inner wisdom, we’ll sense when we need to intervene to protect our children, and when to quieten our own anxiety and leave them free to be. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences about children’s need for free play. Watch out for my next blog in a couple of days, because I’ll be chatting about how focusing on being a ‘good’ parent can get in the way of achieving what you really want.

Perhaps you have one of those ‘school angel – house devil’ children; good as gold when out with others but driving you mad at home? Or perhaps your child’s behaviour is driving everyone mad. Maybe it’s some particular behaviour that you wish you could do something about – get them to listen, get them to be more confident, stop whining, stop fighting, stop bullying, stand up for themselves, do their homework. 
I don’t think that there’s a parent who doesn’t puzzle about what to do when it comes to dealing with challenging behaviour, at least some of the time.

Over the next few days I’m going to share three practical insights about challenges parents face and give you some helpful tips to help you create less stress and more fun in your home. I’m asking your to read this and then take time to REFLECT on what this might mean to your family – and especially to you as parent. It’s easy to read something, think ‘yes, ‘yes’ and then rush on to the next item in your agenda. But the three thoughts I’m going to share with you in these articles over the next few days could move you to a whole different and more enjoyable path of parenting. What it will take is time to let them soak into your mind?

So here’s the wildly challenging thought for today:
Getting your child to be ‘good’ might be bad for your child.

Yes, of course you’d like a ‘good’ child. ‘Good’ would be so much easier.

A child who always does what they are told. Who wouldn’t want a ‘good’ child!

Is ‘good’ what really matters?

But your focus on what you need now you might be overlooking the long-term cost of  ’good’. That cost may be far too high. That cost might mean low self esteem, it might mean becoming a ‘yes’ person to whatever others demand, which will get in the way of your child’s fulfilment  and happiness in life. You want a child who does what he is told, right? But if that’s what you instil then don’t be surprised if this becomes the teen who does whatever anyone else asks: stealing, drugs, sex. Your ‘good’ child is likely to become a vulnerable target for others’ selfish desires. Because ‘good ‘ is about your child fitting in with your agenda, ignoring their own needs as human beings.
And who decides what is ‘good’?
What parent doesn’t wait for the school report, hoping to read the words ‘excellent pupil’, ‘well behaved’  - anxious about the teacher’s comment. And it makes sense that teachers tend to praise children who are compliant. In most school situations teachers are overburdened with too large classes, administrative demands, a syllabus to complete and the emphasis on examination marks. Our school system is set up to encourage ‘good’, also known as ‘compliant’. But the compliant child is not going to be the mover and the shaker that is what the world needs now. Do you really want a ‘good’ child or do you want to support your child to grow into the full potential of the unique, wonderful, awesome human being that he or she already is? The children who grow up to really make a difference in the world are very often the ones who didn’t ‘cut it’ at school.

Think of Einstein, Steve Jobs, Oprah, Richard Branson. I wonder if there’s a school report lying around some dusty attic for any one of those characters! I bet that would make interesting reading, and I doubt you would find the word ‘good’ on their school reports.
You’d be more likely to spot phrases like ‘daydreamer’, ‘doesn’t listen’, ”won’t settle in class’. Children in touch with themselves and with life don’t put their focus of fulfilling someone else’s agenda. They intuitively know they must follow their own inner calling.

So what are the words that are maybe used to describe your child that cause you concern?

‘Wilful or stubborn’ – They know what they want.

‘Daydreamer’ or ‘easily distracted’ – Their minds are on other more exciting things.  ’Imagination is everything. It is a preview of life’s coming attractions.’ Albert Einstein knew how to use his imagination. That’s how he discovered such amazing things.

‘Needs to listen’ – maybe your child listens to his or her own inner rhythm.

So if you are dreading receiving one of those school reports, maybe it’s time to think again.
Take time to think about:
What am I actually focused on when I want my child to be ‘good’?
What do I really want, when I think long term?
In what ways could my child’s challenging behaviour actually be a positive?
What do I need as Parent (or support person to the child) to help this child to develop to his or her full potential?

Let’s move beyond ‘good’ to ‘happy’, ‘curious’, ‘interested’, ‘imaginative’ , ‘tenacious’ and all of the other crazily wonderful qualities that make your child a unique person who lives fully.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating wild, out of control behaviour. Rather I’m saying that as parents and people working with children we need to think further than ‘good’. But rather than striving for compliant behaviour we need to know how to create environments that encourage cooperative behaviour. That’s what the Koemba approach is all about. Watch out for my next blog in a couple of days, because I’ll be chatting about how if you  focus on keeping your child ‘safe’ it may not actually nurture your child’s health and well-being.