I say both parties may be right because I’m looking past the ‘to smack or not to smack’ and I’m asking a different question. I’m asking ‘What is it we really want to achieve?’ And I suspect that both parties will agree without hesitation that what we want is young people who are respectful of other people and of others people’s property.

So what would happen instead of trying to outshout each other’s argument regarding whether or not smacking is okay, we reflect on what might be learnt from the mindset of the other.

Here’s what it looks like from my viewpoint:

The ‘Smackers’ are right about children needing boundaries. When you’re standing on the ‘Smackers’’ side of the fence it’s obvious that many good old -fashioned values and behaviours have been undermined.  They are saying ‘children need boundaries.’  And they are absolutely right. Children need boundaries for our benefit and also for their own. A child without boundaries can feel very insecure because he doesn’t know where the limits are. I once heard a wise lady describe a child raised without boundaries as being like a blind person trying to walk in a room that went on and on, without any walls. Imagine how disorientating, and perhaps even frightening, it would be to have no walls to help you gain a sense of direction. Children need boundaries so that they know what to expect and what’s expected from them. In fact, the ‘Smackers’ are cautioning something really significant here – Discipline is essential if we want peaceful society.  ‘Kids who are brought up with firm, fair, consistent boundaries don’t go off the rails so easily.’  Sue Atkins[1] Certainly part of the problem with the UK riots had to do with lack of boundaries and discipline.

And what if the ‘Non-Smackers’ are also right because they have figured out that actually children are people too and all people deserve to be treated with respect?  What if they’ve recognized that violence begets violence?

For some insight into why smacking isn’t going to achieve what’s needed, here are some key points that leading international neuroscientists recognise:

1.  The child’s brain is still ‘under construction’.  This means that the child will not always perceive things as we adults do. Yes, there are times when children will need our intervention and guidance.

2. Because the child’s brain is not fully developed, it also means that at times of strong emotion, children need adults who can be the ‘emotional thermostats’ – helping to keep the heat of roused emotions at a reasonable temperature.

3. When we are upset we don’t ‘think straight’. This is because we don’t have one brain. In a sense we have three brains, and the innermost section of the brain, often called the reptilian brain, is the part that reacts when the person is under threat.  When we sense ‘danger’, the brain focuses its energy on this deep inner brain – causing us to go into reactive mode, of fight, flight, freeze or appease, to help keep us safe in an emergency.  The cost of this ‘survival mode’ is that clear logical thinking temporarily shuts down.  It makes sense that when a child is smacked, they are going to feel under attack, which means the primitive ‘survival’ mode of the brain is triggered, which means that they won’t take any learning from the situation.  All the child will gain is a fear reaction that will get them to avoid being in the same situation again.

Will it teach them not to repeat that behaviour any time the authority figure is present to reinforce the punishment? Yes.

Will it teach them compassion or consideration for others?  No, because the part reptilian part of the brain that is triggered when we are under attack doesn’t do compassion or reasoning – it only does survival.  Crocodiles don’t worry about connection – they just do survival!

David Lammy UK author of  ‘Out of the Ashes: After the Riots’ [2] states in an article in the Guardian, where he blames anti-smacking law for UK riots.  “The ability to exercise their (parents’) own judgment in relation to discipline and reasonable chastisement has been taken away. ”

What I’d like to say to David is that I agree with him that children need discipline but Punishment and Discipline are not synonyms.  ‘Chastisement’ is Punishment  – not Discipline. Punishment attempts to work from the outside in. Discipline works from the inside out.[3]

Smacking (a.k.a, Punishment) isn’t going to achieve what’s needed because, in the words of leading neuroscientist Daniel Siegel:

“Discipline” really means to teach, not to “punish”.[4]

What we want is surely to teach our children acceptable social behaviour.

Some parents resort to smacking children because they don’t know how else to maintain boundaries. Some parents don’t smack but resort to other tools of coercion and manipulation that ultimately might be just as harmful,  (and much of this is advocated on popular TV Parenting programmes).

I appreciate that David Lammy  MP is voicing that the violence that erupted in the UK is a signal that this is an issue that needs urgent and serious attention. When Smackers and the Non-Smackers choose to focus on the outcome we desire: ‘What is it we really want to achieve?’, here’s some of the factors we’ll most probably agree on:

Yes, society needs children to have boundaries.

Yes, children need to have boundaries.

Yes, everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

And it’s time to learn from experts in the fields of child development, attachment parenting and neuroscience about what’s needed to raise emotionally healthy individuals who respect themselves and others.

What’s vital is that parents and educators are equipped with helpful discipline tools that work, not just on the short term from the adult’s perspective – but ‘work’ in the sense that they are going to achieve the long term goals of a peaceful and respectful society, where everyone’s needs, including children’s,  are taken into account.

Other related articles:

Rioting Teenagers – can your parenting make a difference?

Teenage Freedom?

Helpful resources by Val Mullally related to this topic:

Managing Anger in the Home CD & MP3

Dealing with Discipline CD & MP3

Soon to be released: Children’s Challenging Behaviour

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(An  ideal refresher course of coaching skills  for students who have completed the full diploma).

For full details CLICK HERE.

To enrol for this module, students are required to have completed  the first two modules:

Coaching Approach to Parenting  and Foundation Module in Parent Coaching

For module three course outline click here  of Module 3 course outline

Module 3 course outline

Application Form module 3

What’s helpful when teenagers are pushing  for freedom and you’re worried about their safety?

As parents we develop strategies to try to keep our teens safe – but not all are necessarily helpful.

The Checking Up Strategy

What I think isn’t helpful is ‘sneaky’ checking up.

I think of one mother who used to surreptitiously check her teenage daughter’s phone. The daughter resorted to renaming the ‘not- allowed’ boyfriend as ‘Jenny’ on her phone.

Life has a strange way of boomeranging – and if you do sneaky you’re likely to get sneaky.

One of the things that I did with my sons that was helpful was to have a policy that if they wanted to go out, we, as parents, would be phoning the parents who were hosting the event so that we could check arrangements.

They knew this was the deal and that we would not agree to them going out if there was anything that was of concern to us.

The ‘ParentPepTalk’ Strategy

I was so anxious that my sons would turn out ‘right’ that I thought it was my job to repeatedly remind them what ‘good’, responsible behaviour looked like. Now I look back I recognise that my sons had been taking ‘snapshots’ of ‘how we do life’ from a very early age. By the time they get to their teens they have a complete reference catalogue stored up -

how we do conflict

how we deal with upset feelings

what we do if we can cheat and get away with it

how we show love

what’s okay and not okay.

The endless list is already stored and the last thing teens need or want at this stage of their lives is the constant peptalk.  When my son was in his early teens he told me about boys drinking at parties,  he immediately got the  ‘That’s not okay, please don’t you ever do that, I’ll be so disappointed, blaah, blaah, blaah’ ad infinitum lecture. So what happened within a couple of years is he stopped telling me what was happening in his life. The wiser me now recognises that he was telling me because he was trying to make sense of the standards we’d encouraged. It would have been more helpful if I’d just listened to what he wanted to share and asked his opinion.

We can get so worried by what we think might go wrong that we only focus on the negatives. What I know now is that if a child has a strong sense of self-esteem she’s not going to be trying to fill the ‘hole in her soul’ with drink, drugs, sex and all the other parent nightmares.  A child with a strong self-esteem has an inner core she can rely on.

So how do we build young people’s self esteem?

Recognise that self esteem is much more than self confidence. Self Esteem is like a three legged stool and confidence is only one of those ‘legs’. Like any stool we need the legs to be of equal length and strength for a stable base.  I’m most grateful for learning this concept through Jesper Juul’s book: ‘Your Competent Child’.

So let’s look at each of these:

Confidence comes from our sense of competence.  Learning to be able to do things for yourself and to be able to figure out what’s needed is all part of confidence building.  Obviously a situation that’s too big and overwhelming and beyond the child’s control will have the opposite effect and would damage the child’s confidence. That’s why it is important that we as parents both build our children’s confidence and also set clear boundaries around what we do and don’t permit.

Confidence is built when young people can figure out their own solutions. If parents are always rushing in to solve every dilemma, how do children learn?  Ask yourself if there are times when it would be more helpful to let your child take the consequences of her action (or inaction).

Belonging In the teen years a sense of being part of the group becomes very important.  The challenge comes when your child loses a sense of ‘belonging to herself’. Our need to feel connected to ourselves (our autonomy) and our need to be connected with others is like a see-saw. Both parts are necessary and the balance will only be kept if it’s firmly grounded in unconditional love.

When you get the first ‘teenage rumbles’ rather than resort to ‘Because I said so’ or caving in, focus on seeing these as opportunities to help the child keep connected with herself and her values and to learn to negotiate with you.

Worth Your child needs to know that nothing she does can add to or take away from her intrinsic worth.  When she knows this she’ll know you are the ones to turn to when life’s uncertain.

When your child has a self esteem stool with three strong legs of confidence, belonging and worth, she has a stable base to deal with the challenges of teenagehood.

Our children are already born with incredible potential to beautiful, wise, creative, compassionate, wonderful people.

It’s our job as parents to create conditions for them to thrive. 

You’ll discover more insights and practical tools in my CD                                                         ‘Helping Your Child Cope in the Real World’.  Also available as MP3.

Helpful books on this topic:

Your Competent Child Jesper Juul

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families   Stephen Covey

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls Mary Pipher

Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood William Pollack

(SAVE 50 % of regular cost.) CLICK HERE to view this product.

- think more clearly

- connect more compassionately

and behave more response-ably.

Dear Santa

Great to see children thinking about what will make other people happy at Christmas. I know we’ll be flat-out with preparing the sleigh from Christmas Eve, so any final seasonal thoughts for Parents?

PercyPostElf

Dear  Parents

Percy Postelf, Mrs Claus and I all agree that Mark’s dad will appreciate a present that’s been carefully chosen. We started talking about the the madness of Christmas shopping.

Remember the lyric ‘The fox went out on a windy night’.

As parents, you know that a fox in the hen coop can go on an unsatiated killing spree.

I sometimes think children can be a little like that when there’s an overabundance – ripping through everything without taking time to savour anything.

Maybe this festive season feels like a crisis time for some.

Here’s two key thoughts  that might be helpful:

1) Somewhere I read that the Japanese word  for  ‘crisis’ also means ‘opportunity’.

What would happen if  we saw our current situation as an opportunity?

What if  we all asked ourselves:

‘What’s the opportunity  for our family in the current crisis we’re experiencing?’

2)  ‘Less is more’ and ‘slow’ have become global  movements. Reflect on how this might be true for your family this Christmas.

Let’s choose “less presents and more presence”.

“Happiness does not come from having more, it comes from loving what you have.”

See  www.lessliberates.com for more about less.   : ) (Pardon the pun).

Enjoying other people’s pleasure at receiving gifts, is one way our children may benefit when there’s less.

Christmas is the time for  recognising what  really matters in life.

Despite challanging cirsumstances, may this be a wonder-ful  and joy-ful Christ-mas for each and every family.

Love and God bless to every one.

Santa, Mrs Claus and  PercyPostElf

P.S. To see my other Christmas letters:

Day 1  What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?

Day 2  ‘Need’ or ‘Want’

Day 3  Dealing with Disappointment

Day 4  Christmas Surprises

Day 5  Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases

Day  6 No Money This Christmas

Day 7  Christmas is for Giving

Day 8  When Sad or Bad Things Happen

Day 9  When Grown Ups Fight

Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude

Day 11 How to Catch a Monkey

Dear Santa

Here’s another letter from Daniel. So glad his parents are sorting things out.  (Maybe they read your letter about ‘When Grown Ups Fight’!)

But many people are stuck in a place of anger / unforgiveness re: an ex, or someone else. What would you like to say to them?

PercyPostElf

Dear PercyPostElf

It makes sense that when people hurt us, we don’t want to forgive.

What we often overlook is the cost of unforgiveness.

Let me share with you an African tale on how to catch a monkey.

Find a  tree  with a very small hole in the trunk.  Take a handful  of peanuts and while the monkey is watching you, push the peanuts into the hole in the tree. Now move away and wait. The monkey will soon come for the peanuts. But when he puts his hand into the hole and seizes the peanuts, his fist is now too big to get out the hole. He doesn’t want to let go the peanuts – so he’s stuck. Now you can catch your monkey!

That’s what happens to us when we hold onto unforgiveness. We think we’re punishing the person who hurt us but actually we keep ourselves stuck in one place. Sometimes we avoid forgiveness because we don’t want  reconcilation with a particular person or situation. But forgiveness and reoconcilitation are not the same thing. We can choose to forgive, even if reconciliation isn’t desirable or advisable.

Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the ‘peanuts’ of anger and bitterness. These uncomfortable feelings are emotional termites that eat away our family’s happiness, if we don’t deal with them.

‘Peace on Earth’ doesn’t just happen. Peace happens one relationship at time. Peace happens when people choose to be peace-makers. And sometimes part of peace-making is forgiving. Did you know that  our way of living is hugely influenced by the thoughts of the past four generations and that the thoughts we think will affect the next four generations? This Christmas let’s consciously choose the emotional legacy we leave to our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great, great grandchildren.

We can ask ourselves:

On a scale of 0-10 what example of forgiveness am I modelling to my children? (0 equals holding tightly to bitter, angry and unforgiving thoughts  and 10 being  free of those).

The word ‘forgiving’ is actually two words.  What do I  choose to give: to myself / my loved ones / that other person?

Christmas is a time a time for giving and for for-giving.

Love

Santa

P.S.  Check in tomorrow for  my final letter this year.  After that, Rudolph and I will busy with present deliveries.

P.P.S. Here’s my other letters:

Day 1  What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?

Day 2  ‘Need’ or ‘Want’

Day 3  Dealing with Disappointment

Day 4  Christmas Surprises

Day 5  Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases

Day  6 No Money This Christmas

Day 7  Christmas is for Giving

Day 8  When Sad or Bad Things Happen

Day 9  When Grown Ups Fight

Day 10 An Attitude of Gratitude

Day 12    Value of Crisis and Less

Dear Santa

How nice to get a thank you letter.  I really appreciate appreciation!

Love

Percy PostElf

Dear Percy

Did you ever see a picture of a sad Santa?  When we focus on gratitude our brains release serotonin , the ‘feel good’ chemical.  The more we focus on what  we appreciate the happier we’ll be. And happiness is contagious.

Even in relationships that are ‘cranky’ right now – try thinking every day of at least four things you appreciate about that person.  You get what you focus on!

The great thing about limited  finance is that families often start to create  what really matters. Instead of the buy-buy-buy mentality, they become more aware of  what Christmas is really about – celebrating  the mystery of Love.

And it doesn’t need to cost money to enjoy what really counts. In fact, happiness experts say that the happiness from new possessions only lasts a few days or weeks at the most.  It’s meaningful relationship that creates the connection –  that creates the  happiness –  that lasts.

I hope families choose to have fun this festive season:

Making Christmas decorations together.

A Christmas walk (maybe a day walk,  scrunching through the snow, and  also going out in the dark to admire the Christmas  lights).

One of my favourite Christmas activities in our village is the community Carol singing in the Park on Christmas Eve.

What  are the no-cost activities that make Christmas special for your family?

Cocoa by candlelight with carols playing?  A game of Pictionary?

Choose to have a Happy Christmas. I’d love Parents to write in and share what  happy memories they are creating.

Love

Santa

P.S. Tomorrow I’m going to follow up re Daniel’s Mum and Dad fighting.

P.P.S. Here’s my other letters:

Day 1   What to do with Children’s ‘Great Expectations’?

Day 2   ‘Need’ or ‘Want’

Day 3   Dealing with Disappointment

Day 4   Christmas Surprises

Day 5   Three Key Questions Regarding Purchases

Day  6  No Money This Christmas

Day 7   Christmas is for Giving

Day 8  When Sad or Bad Things Happen

Day 9  When Grown Ups Fight

Day 11 How to Catch a Monkey

Day 12    Value of Crisis and Less