‘Childcare concerns? – how to LISTEN to your child’

Young children have been physically and emotionally abused by the people who are supposed to take care of them.

Parents with children in childcare are feeling angry and anxious. Anxiety can feel like a huge gnawing grief. But the helpful thing about anxiety is that it opens our ears and eyes wide to absorb what’s going on around us that maybe we hadn’t been able to see up to now.

As a parent you may be wondering,

‘How do I know if my child is being treated okay?’

In this blog I will chat about one key thing that worried parents can do: listen so that your child feels heard.

Imagine that your child makes a comment that concerns you.

Getting to hear what’s really going on depends on how you listen.

Let’s look at some unhelpful responses:

Child: ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

Parent:  ‘Ah, you like school.  All your friends are there. ‘

or

Parent: ‘Just two more sleeps and then we’ll have the weekend. Then we can have lots of time together.’

or

Parent: ‘Now be good. And then I’ll buy you a sweetie on the way home.’

These responses aren’t helpful because they shut down the conversation.

What your child needs is a safe space to be heard.

How to respond more helpfully:

Child: ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

First PARK everything that is going on for you – all those thoughts chasing around in your head and all those emotions that jump up and grab you by the throat.

PARK your own concerns so that you can really be present to your child.

Like parking your car, you can come back and pick it up later. Right now PARK all that’s going on for you and choose to be present for your child.

To really listen, here’s some of what you might need to PARK.

1. PARK your anxiety.

It makes sense that a comment like, ‘I don’t want to go to school,’ can get alarm bells clanging in your head. But your anxiety will get in the way of listening in a way that will really connect.

How to PARK your anxiety:

- Focus on your breathing.

- Focus on being calm.

- Focus on being present to your child.

2. PARK your busy-ness. If this is important, other things will need to wait. Your child is only going to open up when they sense your undivided attention.

3. PARK your own need to ‘fix’ things immediately. A safe listening space is the best gift you can give your child right now. Afterwards there will be time to seek professional help, if needed. But you will never again have this first moment of what your child needs to share now. Choose to be fully present for your child now.

4. PARK your judgments.

Thoughts might jump into your head about what might have happened – judgments about the staff, about yourself or about other children.

You might have thoughts like:

‘That worker is a *!*&!’

‘I’ve failed my child.’

‘How could they …’

‘Oooh, this is all so terrible …’

These thoughts will wind you up. You need to  be calm to hear your child’s story first.

You might be jumping to conclusions.

Whatever the thoughts are, you can choose to PARK these judgements and focus on being present to your child.

5. PARK any feelings of guilt or anger. Yes, you may have many strong emotions coming up. But if you allow yourself to focus on your feelings of guilt or anger right now, you are putting the focus on yourself instead of on your child.

So now you’ve PARKed – what next?

When you choose to PARK your own stuff you can cross into your child’s world.  Only when your child really senses you connecting will they share what’s bothering them.

Make sure you are calm.

Choose your tone of voice, your eye contact and your body language to connect.

Child: ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

Reflect your child’s words (without adding anything extra) :

Parent: ‘You don’t want to go to school?’

Child: ‘Cos my friends won’t play with me.’

Parent: ‘Your friends won’t play with you? Tell me more.’

Keep your own stuff PARKed. Keep focused on being connected with your child. Reflect what your child says and adding ‘tell me more.’

Hold the listening space.

Keep connected and wait for your child’s answer.

Don’t rush in with more words.

Just hold the listening space for your child. Then reflect what you hear, using your child’s words.

When your child senses the connection, he’s likely to share.

Keep holding this listening space.

You will get to the point when your child has told you all he needs to say.

Whatever your child needs, be there for them.

Reassure them that you will deal with it. Give a cuddle or go for  walk. Trust your intuition to give what your child needs.

When you PARK your own thoughts, judgements and emotions you will find you are able to really listen to your child and to sense what ‘s needed, no matter how small or large the issue.

A few final thoughts:

Be careful to avoid talking about the current atrocities in front of your child. Children are listening even when you think they aren’t, and they are going to pick up your anxiety.

Avoid trying to prompt the conversation with your child.

If you push or pry or ask questions when your child is not ready to talk, your child will

Your child will open up or close up depending how safe he feels.

shut down down the conversation like a hedgehog rolls into a ball when it feels unsafe.

Avoid leading questions that can put thoughts in your child’s head that weren’t there before.

Questions like:

‘Did she smack you?’

‘Did she shout at you?’

are your thoughts. PARK them.

Hold a ‘clean’ listening space so your child can share his own story.

When you are there to really listen, you may discover that your child’s upset is not big.

The connection time will still be precious.

Or if it is a serious issue, at least your child experiences you as his loving and connected ally.

Please do seek professional help if you have any concerns.

Let’s not forget our appreciation for all the staff in childcare centres who are doing sterling work. Many of these are community based, not-for-profit centres. Most childcare workers follow this career path because they are passionate about young children. We all need to lobby for better pay, training opportunities and working conditions for the childcare workers who ARE taking good care of our children. 

If you are looking to train or retrain your staff,

Val Mullally MA  is an experienced teacher, principal and trainer in Early Education.

She is also a skilful Siolta facilitator.

Val Mullally, accredited Parent Coach is presenting a workshop in Kilkenny, 10 am on Wed 5 June 2013. This is open to parents: practical tools and insights re ‘What to do when you’re feeling anxious’.  For more information see  ‘Help Your Child Cope‘. Booking essential. 

Related posts:  ‘Toddler Upset – essential reasons for responsive parenting’

In response to the childcare crisis, Val has also posted a blog on how to ‘listen’ to your child’s behaviour on the Meetmums website.

Recommended Reading:

You Are My World – Amy Hatkoff

Why Love Matters – Sue Gerhardt

The Whole Brain Child – Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes – Peter Levine and Magie Kline

 Click here for print version.

CLICK HERE for more information of upcoming workshop in Kilkenny.

- crèche or preschool challenges ?

- a ‘new baby’ arriving?

- starting national or secondary  school?

- moving house or country?

Are you or your child feeling worried or anxious?

This is your chance to discover the secrets of a simple ‘Emotional Equation’ to deal effectively with anxiety  – yours or your child’s.

Learn how to:

- use anxious  feelings to find out what your child is experiencing

- create your own state of  inner calm

- help your child to turn  ‘survive’ moments into ‘thrive’ opportunities

- use these opportunities to help your child to develop Emotional Intelligence

(a key skill in effective adult living)

Presented by:

Accredited Parent Coach and author Val Mullally MA

Wed 5 June 2013

10am to 12 noon

St Patrick’s Parish Centre, Loughboy, Kilkenny 

€22 per person –  (or 3 friends together for €20 each)

Please book your place by emailing val@koemba.com

or text  087 7609355

(Booking essential – limited places !) 

Val Mullally delighted to be presenting workshop on

“ Facing Challenging Times Together  – how childminders can help parents during transition times”

at the Childminders’ Professional Development Day  - Dublin City Childcare Committee on Saturday 20 April 2013.

You are invited to a Koemba Day ‘BOUNCING BACK IN TOUGH TIMES’

(or join us for a half day if that suits you better)

Saturday 27 April 2013

‘An Solas’, Fortunestown Road, Dublin 24 

9:15am    tea  / coffee and reconnect!

9:30 – 12:45   morning session:

Bouncing Back in Tough Times

12:45 – 1:45 lunch

(Tea / coffee provided. 

Please bring packed lunch - or the Centra  shop behind the ‘An Solas’ centre sells rolls, wraps, etc.)

1.45 pm  afternoon session

                         When Parent Feel Anxious  -

                         When Children Are Anxious

A new tool to add to your Koemba toolbox!

Investment Fee:

 Full Day:   €70

or  save €10 with Early Bird – pay by Tues 22 April                                             (automatic online deduction or send cheque)

 Half Day:  €45 (morning or afternoon – and, of course, do join us for lunch!)

or save €8 with Early Bird – pay by Tues 22 April

CLICK HERE  to pay online for HALF DAY webpage.

(automatic online Early Bird deduction or send cheque)

P.S.  If you would prefer to attend a Koemba Day in Cork in the autumn, please send email to val@koemba.com.

The Koemba team is doing some research about what parents most need.

If you would please take a real quick moment to answer this question:

What’s your ONE biggest parenting challenge right now? 

(alternative: If you could ask only one question about parenting…what would it be?)

Thanks for your support. We’ll keep you posted about what we discover!

You are invited to a Koemba Day ‘BOUNCING BACK IN TOUGH TIMES’

(SIGN UP ON THIS PAGE if you can only join us for half day. Please add note as to whether you are attending morning or afternoon).

Saturday 27 April 2013

‘An Solas’, Fortunestown Road, Dublin 24

CLICK HERE FOR WEBPAGE re FULL DAY PROGRAMME

Half Day:  €45 (morning or afternoon – and, of course, do join us for lunch!)or save €8 with Early Bird – pay by Tues 22 April   (automatic online deduction or send cheque)

One of the questions I often hear is, ‘How do I know I’m Parenting right?’ 

Are you worried that you’re not Parenting right?

Confused about what is needed to give your child the best start in life?

How to keep your child safe and help them do well?

There are so many self-help books, articles and television programmes and some of it can be contradictory and confusing. Who has got the right advice? How do you know who to listen to? Whatever way you look at it, how does a parent know what is the right thing to do? How do you know you are being a ‘good’ parent? The thing is what worked in previous generations isn’t working now, because every parent in this new generation is a pioneer parent. What worked (or seemed to work) in parenting for your grandmother’s generation had probably worked for hundreds of years before. But as a parent now, you are facing challenges and opportunities beyond the wildest imaginings of your grandparents when they were young. Words that roll off our tongues were meaningless a few decades ago: Google, Kindle, Facebook, iPad, Skype, Internet, worldwide web, blog, laptop, smartphone, YouTube ….  TECHNOLOGY has created a whole new world. Which means that we need a whole new way of being in the world. So where and how do you find what is needed to parent now? As parents you are pioneering new territory as surely as the voyagers from five hundred years ago left the familiar behind to discover new lands. No one has been there before. You don’t know what the territory is like. You’re unsure of what dangers are lurking along the journey and you don’t know what resources are needed. Parenting in this new territory can feel disorienting, maybe overwhelming or even terrifying at times. Trying to return to the old land of strict discipline and ‘children must do what they’re told’ could easily seem the best option. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we know that in the long term that’s not going to work.

In the words of Einstein: A new solution is needed for a new situation.

Imagine the adventures experienced by those explorers who were brave enough to journey into the unknown. It makes sense that sometimes they must have felt exhausted. Sometimes they couldn’t imagine how they would have the resources to continue. Sometimes the only option was to keep going forward, even when they didn’t know what lay ahead. And at the same time imagine the thrill of stepping into new territory – new opportunities, insights and awarenesses that would never have happened if they hadn’t stepped out. Pioneering is an amazing experience, whatever the unknown territory is. And pioneering is not something you want to do alone. At times the early explorers came across a person who had journeyed some way along the new path already. Someone who had glimpsed the new territory and could give them an indication of what lay ahead. Someone who had viewed the terrain and could tell them what resources would be helpful. Someone who could give them hope and tell them that the journey would be worth it. The scouts who have reconnoitred this new land of Parenting and who are telling us about what lies ahead are the ones who have journeyed into the previously unknown world of what lies within us. Up until now this landscape has been as unfamiliar as the New World was to what Europe had understood the world to be in the Middle Ages. These scouts are reporting to us about the previously uncharted territory of our emotional world and of the workings of the brain. I’d like to share with you three pieces of really good news about what this means to you as a parent.

The first piece of good news is that some of the key information from the world of neuroscience is as simple as understanding the concept of North, South, East and West. It’s so basic that any parent can grasp the principles, and it gives you a compass to move though the territory of parenting – and relationships in general.

The second piece of good news is that you as a parent have the innate ability to be expert of your own situation. After all, you’re the one who has been there from the beginning, who knows the personalities involved and the dynamics between each of the members of your family. And you’re the one who is going to be there for the long haul. So the good news is that you are the perfect person to be parenting your children.

The third piece of good news is that we’re recognising the value of good old-fashioned wisdom. After all, we wouldn’t have survived as a human race if we didn’t KNOW how to raise our children. So, just as the pioneers to new lands drew on what they already knew and then related that to the new discoveries they were making, you can trust yourself to find what’s needed on your parenting journey. And just as discovering a new continent called for new responses, this new knowledge challenges us to rethink the idea of being a ‘good’ parent. So what’s needed to achieve this?

I recommend that you find yourself a scout, someone who has already taken time to adventure into the territory ahead. Someone who recognised the territory ahead will be different from anything you’ve ever journeyed through before. Not someone to tell you what to do. Rather someone who will encourage your awareness of your own resources and wisdom. Someone who will boost your confidence in your own abilities. And someone who will give you a map of the land, so that you will be able to plan your journey, navigate the challenges when they arise and celebrate your experiences. That’s why I advocate the Koemba Parent Coaching approach. Whether you choose to work on a one-to-one basis with a Parent Coach or whether you prefer a course so that you can journey with other pioneers on this Parenting adventure, either way you have the support to make this the most incredible, unique and worthwhile experience imaginable.

Right now if you are living anywhere accessible to Dublin, whether by air, rail or car, you have the chance to sign up for a three weekend introductory course. Three Friday evenings and three full day Saturdays that could potentially be one the most significant and life-changing experiences you could ever discover. They say that it’s not the things that we do that we most regret later in life. Rather, it’s the things that we don’t do that we regret.

I’m Val Mullally, founder of Koemba, and I will be facilitating the training, with two of the Koemba team, Florence Burns and Anca Lupu.  I am an accredited Parent Coach and a mother of two adult sons. I was a qualified teacher before having my children, but I wish I had known what I know now when my children were young. And I know it’s much tougher to parent now than when my children were young. Don’t miss this opportunity. This is your time and your opportunity to be the parent you really want to be. To be the one who will successfully take the pioneering journey of parenting in a new millennium.  An amazing adventure – and one you will always be so glad you took! CLICK HERE to  find out more. (EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT TILL 10 APRIL!)