I have never been comfortable with the parenting tool of ‘time out’ but I couldn’t see any alternatives.  When I did use it, I always felt like it was a battle of wits between myself and my son. The scene would play out as follows: him acting in a manner which I felt warranted punishment, me telling him to go sit on the bold step, him refusing, me ordering him to go, him still refusing, me dragging him there, him getting up, me putting him back etc. etc. By this stage, both of us have lost our heads and neither is thinking rationally. What could be the possible learning point here for any child? I, for one, cannot see any benefit for either him or me.  However, in the absence of an alternative, I continued periodically to force my son to take ‘time out’.

One of the things that made some difference was helping my son to try to control his anger. For example, when his sister annoyed him, his immediate reaction had been to lash out. I suggested counting to ten, taking a deep breath or walking away.  However, if the behaviour continued, I would have then ordered him to the ‘bold step’ and we’d be back to the battle of wits.

For the past six months I have been on a parent coaching course with Koemba and as a result have had my eyes opened to alternatives when it comes to disciplining my children.  Besides the helpful tools and insights on the course itself, one of the features is reading and reviewing books on parenting. In his book entitled ‘Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason’, Alfie Kohn describes time out as ‘a version of love withdrawal when children are sent away against their will’. He believes that by removing the child, you might get the behaviour to cease but it is only a short term solution.  It doesn’t examine what’s causing the behavior. He states ‘it is the child who engages in a behaviour, not just the behavior itself that matters’.

Kohn provides a number of alternatives to time out as follows:

1. If possible talk to your child and try to ascertain the reason for the behavior and explain why the behavior in question is not helpful;

2. If the child needs to first of all calm down, ask him/her if they would benefit from taking some time to themselves, e.g. in their room.  It’s important that the child does not feel they are being forced to take time out;

3. If the child does not want to take time to himself/herself but it’s not appropriate to leave them where the behavior occurred, then the parent, as a last resort could remove the child and stay with them.

‘The Whole-Brain Child’ by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson is a very interesting parenting book. It describes how a child’s brain develops and explains the difference between the left and right sides of the brain.  When a child is upset, they are overwhelmed with right brain emotions and cannot employ left brain logic until they are calmer.  The authors recommend that when a child is flooded with right brain emotions, parents should initially respond with their own right brains instead of trying to reason with the child which would mean using the left side of the brain. Responding with our right brain could mean making soothing sounds, being present for your child, listening attentively.  I really like the following quote: “when parent and child are tuned in to each other, they experience a sense of joining together”. Once the child has calmed down, the parent can then apply logic and reason.

This book also explains how the upstairs and downstairs of the brain differ. Shortly after reading this section in the Whole-brain Child, I explained to my six year old son about “flipping the lid”.  I showed him the illustrations in the book which were created specifically for children. They describe how our lids get flipped when we are cross or upset about something.  It is only when we are calm, and our lids are back down, that we can be start to think clearly again.  My son understood this message immediately.  He was now able to put a label on how he felt when he got angry and wanted to lash out.

Since then my son has been learning to identify the signs when he is about to flip his lid.  Even when he does lose his cool, he knows that he then needs to take time to himself until he calms down. He is effectively taking ownership of his own time out instead of me forcing it on him.  Sometimes I just say, “maybe you should go upstairs until you calm down” but most times he just goes to his room without any prompting. He then returns when he decides he is calm, not when I tell him to. That could be after two minutes or anything up to ten minutes later.  When he returns we discuss what caused him to lose his cool, how he could have handled the situation differently, how he would likely deal with a similar scenario in the future, how he felt when he flipped his lid, how he feels now and how he thinks others involved in the incident felt.

While my 6 year old son is happy to go off on his own until he calms down, my 4 year old daughter takes a different approach.  When she is upset and has flipped her lid,         she wants me to stay with her while she calms down.  She often wants me to hold her while she does this.  Maybe, over time, she will follow her brother’s example and go to   her room, but for now having me there is helpful for her.  So, where an argument comes to a head between the two of them, he takes off to his room to calm down and she     stays with me. When he returns with his lid back down and when she is calm again, we discuss the argument in a rational and non judgmental way.  We all learn and grow   from these experiences.

It has been amazing seeing my son and daughter develop in this way, taking control of their own emotions. In fact, my son recently said to me,

“Mam, you’ve just flipped your lid”.

That stopped me in my tracks and when I’d calmed down, I thanked him for pointing that out to me and explained that everyone loses their cool from time to time.

The bold step no longer features in my house. In fact my daughter has never been on it and I don’t envisage ever using it for my 2 year old son. It’s great to know that there are alternatives to time out.  It’s up to every parent to find the one that best fits their family and their quest for harmony in their home.

Marie Reilly

Mother and Trainee Parent Coach

April 2012

Click here for PDF version.

Click here for print version.

- think more clearly

- connect more compassionately

- behave more reason-ably

Don’t miss this opportunity!

INTRODUCTORY MODULE IN PARENT COACHING in Dublin, facilitated  by  Val Mullally MA, AC Accred Coach and Florence Burns, AC Coach, RN,  Registered Midwife, PHN

Three weekends (Friday evening and full day Saturday):

(12/13 Oct, 9/10 Nov, 31 Nov & 1 Dec 2012)

CLICK HERE for Course Outline.

For information re Cork training, please contact val@koemba.com

To enrol for this module, which further develops  Life and Relationship Coaching skills, students are required to have completed  the first three modules.

DATES:  7th & 8th, 28th & 29th  September (Fri evenings 7:15 pm – 9:45 pm; Saturdays   9:15 am – 4.45 pm)

For further details contact val@koemba.com.

For Past Students to avail of this as a REFRESHER COURSE please contact Val directly on val@koemba.com  for special discount offer.

For any parent, to see your child’s pain because other children are shutting him out of the group, or worse still, directly bullying your child, is heartbreaking and infuriating. You’re hurting to see your child hurting.

‘Shall I go and talk to the teacher or the principal? Or will that make it worse?’

And  to receive either an unsympathetic reaction or promises that things will change and nothing does only exacerbates your frustration.

Bullying is nothing new. Isn’t that what the classic fairytale ‘The Ugly Duckling’ is all about? School Anti-Bullying Policies wouldn’t have developed if there wasn’t a need for them. (Actually, I prefer to think of ‘Mutual Respect Policies’.)

So what does work, what is needed and how does a parent get that support for their child?

Phrases that are NOT helpful.

1. ‘It’s just a phase.’ / ‘He’ll get over it.’

Neither the bullying behaviour nor the pain caused by it is going to just disappear of its own accord. Your child needs and deserves support. I doubt if there’s any one of us that doesn’t remember a hurtful comment somewhere along the line. I’ve talked with fifty year old men still deeply hurt by the bullying they endured at school.

2. ‘He’s telling tales.’

What else is a child supposed to do! We can’t expect children to be able to handle the quagmire of bullying behaviours that would probably be legally labeled as harassment or abuse if they were adults. If the child is reporting something, he’s trying to let you know that something is not ok. Children need adult support to deal with these challenges.

3. ‘He needs to suck it up / get over it.’

To expect a child to suppress or deny his feelings is asking him to suppress or deny his very self. His feelings are his ‘inner barometer’ letting him know something is not okay. When parents and teachers are skilled in developing children’s Emotional Intelligence, they have a key tool to supporting children, especially in challenging situations.

What Can be Helpful in Bullying Situations

Here’s a few practical tips and insights:

1. YOU can make a difference – for everybody’s sake.

It makes sense that what you’re focused on is your need for your child to be treated the respectful way that any person deserves to be treated. Despite your justifiably angry feelings, your wise, courageous and sensitive handling of the situation can bring the change that’s needed for everyone. Until the issue is addressed at its roots, if it’s not your child being bullied, it’ll be someone else’s. Ask yourself  ‘What really matters here?’ for your own child and  also ask yourself  What really matters here?  re the long term community perspective.

2. Bullying is a community issue.

Bullying isn’t just about the children directly involved in the particular incident/s. We need to create healthy environments that nurture every child’s well-being. Mary Gordon’s ‘Roots of Empathy’ work is a great example of how, when a climate of caring and understanding is deliberately nurtured, children not only practise kindness but  they will also take a stand against bullying behaviour. The amazing thing about Mary Gordon’s work is that it’s not focused on bullying. It’s a programme where a baby and parent ‘visit’ the class each month through the school year. A trained facilitator helps the children to understand about the baby’s level of development, what the baby might be trying to ‘tell us’ and how we can give the baby what he needs. Children not only become compassionate and tuned in to what the little one needs – but this empathetic awareness ‘rubs off’ on one another.  they learn to care about one another’s feelings and experiences.

3. Choose to Keep Your Cool When You Have a Meeting with School Staff /Parents

Whilst it makes sense that you’re upset, do whatever helps you calm down before you go into the meeting so that you can cooly and coherently explain what has happened and discuss what’s needed. If you go in with guns blazing people will ‘dive for cover’ and not hear what you really want them to hear. If you feel your anger rising during the meeting, focus on your breathing, (Breathe in up to the count of 7, then out 8-9-10-11).  Remember that if you go into ‘attack’ mode, people will go into ‘defence’ mode. Choose to model the behaviour you’d like your child to receive.

4. Refer to ‘bullying behaviour’ rather than to ‘the bully’.

It’s easy, especially when we’re angry and upset if our own child has been hurt, physically or emotionally, to label the other child. But remember that it could have been your child doing the bullying.  Labelling the other child is likely to  cause the other parent or staff member  to react defensively. You can choose to respond in way that is likely to instigate cooperative interaction between the involved adults, to bring healthy change in the community.

Rather than saying, ‘He’s a bully,’ state:

• the facts of what happened,
• that you see this as bullying behaviour,
• what you need for your child.

Then wait for their response.

If you use language that addresses the incident, rather than labels the other child, you’re likely to find it easier to achieve your desired outcome to create a happy environment for your child.

5. Focus on the favourable outcome you’d like to create.

Think ‘resolving the challenge’ rather than ‘punishing the perpetrator’.  And be prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure that all the children in your community have the safe environment they deserve.

It makes sense that you’d like ‘that child to get a taste of his own medicine’. Over my years in teaching I’ve noticed that when children are hurting inside they’re likely to cause hurt on the outside. I’m not saying that that’s necessarily the ‘fault’ of the parent – it may be related to some other issue. What I’m saying is that the child who is bullying needs support too. And when you model compassion as well as justice you set a powerful example for your child.

One of the greatest challenges is to champion your child. In other words, rather than your child feeling a victim, give the type of support that he will come through this knowing that he’s a champion.

copyright©2012valmullally

For pdf of this CLICK HERE.

For print version CLICK HERE.

Val Mullally MA is an accredited Parent Coach and offers one-to-one coaching, as well as  workshops for parents and for staff to create healthier, happier environments.

Val offers training in various topics including:

- What’s Needed When Bullying Erupts: and how to champion your child

- The Greatest Key to Your Child’s Success in Life: developing children’s emotional intelligence

- Nurturing Children’s Self Esteem: from ‘survive’ to ‘thrive’

- How to Listen so Children will Talk – the unique Koemba -CONNECT model

I particularly enjoyed the ‘Angry Octopus’ and think that many children (and adults!) would benefit from this.  These relaxation activities can have a calming effect and strengthen the child’s ability to cope with stressful conditions, which is likely to leading to better emotional balance, improved thinking, attention and immune system. Like buying fresh fruit, this audio is something that’s enjoyable and healthful for our children!